Life generally is pretty damn good at the moment. So much so that I have a partial blog post running through my brain that I was planning on writing this week, if I could find the time.
Then Friday came and with it a dentist appointment (well hygienist). Booked for 2.30 in the afternoon after a couple of rescheduling issues. First thing in the morning I woke feeling unsettled. I took the kids to school, walked home, did some work. All the time I was feeling worse and worse. By lunchtime I was freaking out. My 2pm I was in a complete state. I made it there for my appointment but once I was in the chair I turned into a blubbering wreck. She was new to me and lovely but I fell apart. She took some measurements and explained that she needed to do a *something technical sounding horrific* clean on my teeth and the best thing to do would be to numb my mouth.
I just fell apart completely at that point. I just wasn’t mentally prepared for injections. And so I apologised a million times, paid and left. I have agreed to come back in 2 weeks to have it done. It will take two appointments. I have booked them for the earliest possible.
There were things that made it worse. Not knowing what would happen when I went, the appointment being so late in the afternoon. Things that I can manage for next time I go.
Oh but the anxiety. My whole body was shaking. I felt sick. I started breathing funny, and that makes me automatically blow out on my out breath which makes me look strange. I start to hum or sing to myself. It is horrible. It is so long since I have been in that state.
It occurs to me that going to the dentist has got worse again lately and I realised it is because I no longer take anti depressants. I guess that they were managing my anxiety. Yes I felt wound up when I went but nothing like I have been in the past and how I was on Friday.
Once I left I had a good cry (in the middle of town thank goodness for sunglasses) and then went to a friend’s leaving party and drank a bit too much for 5pm on a Friday. And since then I feel dreadful, the worst of the anxiety has gone but I am left with a sort of hangover. I can’t settle properly. I am on edge and extremely short tempered. Small things make me feel anxious again (going bowling this morning – ridiculous).
I had to write this down, to record it. I am hoping that by getting it out now I can relax, go to bed early and wake up tomorrow ready to take on the world again.