Today I am so far inside my head that I am driving myself crazy. I am second guessing everything. I am on edge. I am paranoid. I am unable to focus.
Today is World Sleep Day. What a fucking joke.
Today I am sleep deprived, still ill and I feel like every second word needs to be a swear word. It could be the only thing that gets me through.
Today I wept as I left a crying kicking screaming Piran at school. This was just after I handed Kate over to a TA – she was wearing a Christmas jumper (not on the agreed uniform list, strangely enough) and yellow plastic star glasses that she insists she has to wear at all times or she cannot see. Kate that is, not the TA. I barely even said goodbye.
Today I feel like hell.
Today follows last night – where Kate decided that she can no longer sleep in a bed that has steps. So she slept in our bed on Mr C’s side, and Mr C slept on my side, which he didn’t like and ruined his sleep. Piran slept on the floor of his room on a mattress and I slept in his bed. Which is the most uncomfortable bed in the house. And I was so cold that I couldn’t sleep until I had encased myself in 2 duvets and two quilts and went to sleep listing the things that I HATE ABOUT CHILDREN AND SLEEP*. Piran also banged his head on a cupboard in the middle of the night and kept me up with his slightly maniacal sleep laughing.
Today I am in a very bad mood.
Today follows this week, one that started with Mr C sick in bed all day Monday and then me all day Tuesday and Wednesday. I still feel so ill that my legs don’t really want to hold me up. This too makes me really bloody cross. I have no energy. When I do something I get out of breath. Then I have to sit down and really nothing is getting done.
Today feels like the bottom of the slope again. All of the bedtime progress, all of the traction we had gained over the last two weeks is just gone again. Piran didn’t go to sleep until 10.30 again last night and the tricky behaviours are coming back. Illness means no energy, no energy means no routine, no routine means ARMAGEDDON*.
Today I feel completely hopeless.
Today is the end of the week, next week there are 3 days at school and then the holidays. 2 weeks in which we are away which will completely bugger up any kind of bedtime routine so maybe I should just give up all together.
Today the children have friends over after school and with those friends come their mums who are my friends. Who will say nice encouraging things and drink wine with me. And so perhaps, today will get better as it goes along.
*Today makes me prone to exaggeration.