Yours Truly

Anxiety Hangover

March 22, 2015

Life generally is pretty damn good at the moment. So much so that I have a partial blog post running through my brain that I was planning on writing this week, if I could find the time.

Then Friday came and with it a dentist appointment (well hygienist). Booked for 2.30 in the afternoon after a couple of rescheduling issues. First thing in the morning I woke feeling unsettled. I took the kids to school, walked home, did some work. All the time I was feeling worse and worse. By lunchtime I was freaking out. My 2pm I was in a complete state. I made it there for my appointment but once I was in the chair I turned into a blubbering wreck. She was new to me and lovely but I fell apart. She took some measurements and explained that she needed to do a *something technical sounding horrific* clean on my teeth and the best thing to do would be to numb my mouth.

I just fell apart completely at that point. I just wasn’t mentally prepared for injections. And so I apologised a million times, paid and left. I have agreed to come back in 2 weeks to have it done. It will take two appointments. I have booked them for the earliest possible.

There were things that made it worse. Not knowing what would happen when I went, the appointment being so late in the afternoon. Things that I can manage for next time I go.

Oh but the anxiety. My whole body was shaking. I felt sick. I started breathing funny, and that makes me automatically blow out on my out breath which makes me look strange. I start to hum or sing to myself. It is horrible. It is so long since I have been in that state.

It occurs to me that going to the dentist has got worse again lately and I realised it is because I no longer take anti depressants. I guess that they were managing my anxiety. Yes I felt wound up when I went but nothing like I have been in the past and how I was on Friday.

Once I left I had a good cry (in the middle of town thank goodness for sunglasses) and then went to a friend’s leaving party and drank a bit too much for 5pm on a Friday. And since then I feel dreadful, the worst of the anxiety has gone but I am left with a sort of hangover. I can’t settle properly. I am on edge and extremely short tempered. Small things make me feel anxious again (going bowling this morning – ridiculous).

I had to write this down, to record it. I am hoping that by getting it out now I can relax, go to bed early and wake up tomorrow ready to take on the world again.

magnolia

Our Magnolia started flowering today. Not very relevant but a reminder perhaps that life isn’t all bad.

 

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Nearly Four

March 16, 2015

I remember this age with Piran so well. One moment they seem so young and little, full of fire and tantrums and just being three and wanting their own way all of the time. Then a few short months pass and they are suddenly weeks from their fourth birthday and I watch them grow up before my eyes. With Piran it was a hard time for me, worrying that he was too young to go to school, if we had made the right decision to send him when he was just 4 years old. This time round I can see the behaviours that she is starting to show and see how she will slot in at school with no trouble. I can see that her brain is just ready to be filled with letters and sounds and numbers and how she will enjoy that.

Kate March

Suddenly she is bigger, taller, longer, thinner. She is stronger. More able, more controlled. She flies past me on her scooter with confidence. She is trying everything that has scared her before – that big slide here, climbing on this, jumping off that. She wants to write letters, can do her own name.

Lots of things are getting slowly better. You can reason with her more suddenly. Distraction works when she is upset, more than ever before. Tears are much more genuine, and most meals she will actually stay sat at the table. She is still not a massive fan of dinner but she will have a bit most nights.

She is developing proper friendships and preferences for certain people. She definitely knows who she wants to invite to her party this year – last year that was totally my domain. She¬† can still be shy in certain situations, but it doesn’t last so long and I know from experience with Piran that school helps with that, gives them the confidence to talk to adults more.

She no longer sits in my lap. Cuddles are sharp edges and limbs everywhere. She doesn’t cuddle anyway, preferring to jump on the object of her affection to show that she cares. She loves to sing. She loves to bounce.

bouncy pillows

I am ready for her to grow up, for us to move onto he next stage of our lives. Occasionally I feel an ache that I was so lost at times during her baby days. Sad that most of her life so far has been balanced out by my postnatal depression, my daily mental state. Sometimes I wonder if we did it again would I be okay, could I experience it all again but ‘better’. I soon realise that there is no guarantee what another baby would be like, how it would affect our lives. We have sold all the baby paraphernalia, there is no room in this house for anyone person. I need to put all my energy now into settling her into a school routine after the summer and starting to adjust to having my days free again.

We have a few weeks left of just us and I plan on making the most of every day it is just Kate and I. Last week she wanted to go to the farm. Within reason I plan on doing exactly what she wants to do on our ‘Mummy-Kate’ days. It is nice to say yes for a change.

Right now though I have to go. It is Monday morning, just after six and she is in the kitchen, hopping and chanting out what she wants for breakfast. She never leaves me in peace for long.

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So tired.

March 11, 2015

Each night I find it hard to turn off the light, to put down my book or my phone. I just don’t see the point of going to sleep.

But I am so tired.

The thing is I can pretty much guarantee that within an hour of closing my eyes and going to sleep I will be woken again by Kate. It usually starts with a bit of moaning, maybe some crying. And then. “Muuuummmy. Muuuummmmmmy. Mummy. Mummy. Mummy. MUMMY. MUUUMMMMY. I stumble from my warm bed and go and see what she wants. If I am lucky it’s a couple minutes of settling her, rearranging the covers, finding the right teddy. If I am unlucky it’s an hour spent in her bed, as she wriggles and kicks and fusses. Or maybe more. Last night it was over an hour of talking to her before I could convince her that it was night time and she should be asleep.

I climb back into my now cold bed and pass out again. What seems like moments later it starts again. “Mummy”.

Some nights it is just once. Some nights it is three, four, five times. Some times Mr C goes instead. “NO I WANT MUMMY”.

Not going is not an option. She will carry on shouting for HOURS.

Some nights (like last night) Piran takes a turn in the middle. He is scared, he doesn’t want to be alone. I lose my temper. I want to sleep. I have spent YEARS getting him to sleep all night in his own bed. I cannot GO BACK. I shout, he cries. It is worse. Mr C has to step in.

Kate sleeps through all that.

Kate wakes me again an hour later.

I am so tired.

I am raging at the unfairness of it all. All I want is sleep. They are 5 and nearly 4. Surely by now we should be getting the odd night where no one wakes up. Another mum asked me last week at school when was the last time I slept through the night. “September” I answered, “When I went away for the weekend.”

I am so very tired.

And then last weekend it happened. I went to sleep at 11 and I was woken from a deep sleep by Kate standing by my bed. The room was light. I stared blearily at the bedside clock. 6.03. Blimey. I struggled to pull myself from sleep’s heavy embrace. I could hear her moving around, chatting. She told me she was going to take her nappy off, like she does every morning. I heard her do it. I heard her sit down. And then the fatal words. “I did a wee AND a poo Mummy.”

And so my delicious sleep was punctuated by me cleaning a bottom shaped poo mark off my cream carpet at 6.05am.

But at least I got a full night of sleep. Let’s hope that the next one won’t be another six months in coming.

I take pictures of my children sleeping to remind myself that it does happen sometimes.

I take pictures of my children sleeping to remind myself that it does happen sometimes.

I started this post as I am beyond broken by this whole situation but it has turned out quite flippant really. Things have changed since I wrote ‘Unspoken‘ last September. I worked really hard on bedtime routines and that part at least can be better. Piran still has his bad days. We never thought it possible but Kate is a worse night time sleeper than Piran ever was.

The truth is that the whole situation is taking its toll on me and Mr C but there are days when we can deal and days like today when it all feels so bloody bleak. We have managed to convince the children to go for a sleepover at their grandparents house on Friday, but these things have fallen apart at the last minute in the past. Regardless, we have our honeymoon at the beginning of June where we will have 7 nights child free in Tenerife to sleep. And you know, enjoy ourselves if we ever wake up!

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#1day12pics { March }

March 8, 2015

For March’s #1day12pics I thought I would try and photograph what the children were doing every hour throughout the day. It was a bright day and we spent a few hours at Knockhatch, a farm type place with lots to do for the kids. It was really busy there yesterday, but we had a lovely time.

1day12pics Mar1

Kate raring to go before 6.30am, Piran concentrating on his school reading app, new trainers, matching socks (she has insisted on odd socks for months), ready for a day out, mesmerized by the tarantulas.

The only photo that didn’t have them was the second to last one around 4pm where I slipped out for a walk by myself while they all went to the park to play football.

1day12pics Mar2

Quadapillar in the bright sunshine, fun with the ball blower in soft play, she loves the bouncy pillow so much, waiting for Daddy to go to the park, wide open spaces on my walk, rare cuddles (turns out she is ill).

I think my favourite photo this month is the one of them waiting on the step for Daddy. They both look so grown up.

Hope you are all having a lovely weekend.

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A month of….

March 3, 2015

A month of house 1 In February I was planning on doing a little something every day around the house to make it look better in the hope that would help with my usual February blues. I wasn’t all together successful, and looking back I think that I perhaps managed something every couple of days.

a month of houseI didn’t achieve everything I wanted but I did clear off a few areas and make some bits of our home work better for us. I bought much needed greenery into our house and have definitely found that I love having plants around. I have never had any luck at keeping them alive so I am starting small with cut flowers, bulbs and succulents.

a month of house1

I have managed to keep the surfaces that I cleared mostly clutter free which is great. Even just one or two places in each room really helps with the feeling that I am drowning under the clutter. I am very proud of those little oases of calm.

There are still some problem areas though that I am struggling with. Anyone got nay recommendations of what to do with the reams and reams of ‘pictures’ that the kids draw? We have the best on the fridge, I keep the special ones but every day there are half finished pictures that I get told off for moving from the table, and that they ask for again.

And now March is here. February didn’t seem as bad as other years. My new ‘habit’ in March is going to be walking every day. I will Instagram my daily walking pictures and I am hoping to do at least 10,000 steps a day all month. Three days in and my legs are aching but I am loving walking. Can’t wait to walk into Spring (cue montage…)

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From the studio { February }

February 28, 2015

studio view february

This month involved a few less visits to the studio than I would have liked but sadly ill children and half term conspired against me. However we had some nice sunny days and I even crossed the river and tool a picture looking back at my studio for a change. One visit was in the evening but the picture was just black so of no interest really!

February Makes

Inside the studio (top row) I made a second Tic Tac Toe block – this one for me to keep. We were in need of something bright to add to our hallway so I recreated a smaller Fair Isle Table Runner (tutorial) last week. It was the posting date for #makefriendsswap on Friday and I sent off this cute fabric basket. I now need to make some for me.

(Middle row) My friend Lo (@peachytwins) visits some Tuesday mornings, and one week she bought her scraps! My first ever attempt at paper piecing and if it turns out okay this will be my mini quilt for the Cotton and Steel swap. I tried printing some dots on fabric. I wanted to join in with Le Challenge but wasn’t organised enough. Maybe this month.

(Bottom row) I took a deep breath and finally got on with quilting the ‘Tiles’ quilt I made after Kat posted a IG picture many many moons ago. I will blog about this properly but I wanted to have to finished to gift it this week. She definitely liked it.

Not pictured I have finished my Totoro Mini quilt for the #studioghibliswap. I have also made (and forgot to photograph *sigh*) bunting for the Nursery School Bake Off competition, a Coco top for me that didn’t work out so well, and 5 zip pouches for various birthdays.

This little something was my favourite this month. The blue and the yellow just looked amazing together and I knew that the recipient would love it. My favourite thing is making something for someone special, thinking of them the whole time you are making it.

IMG_1898

I have felt disorganised and frustrated for most of February so I am going to get my thinking cap on, review my FAL Q1 post and work out what needs doing this month. Lists, lists and more lists. That always makes me feel better.

 

Linking up with

Fresh Sewing Day

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Kate { February 2015 }

February 23, 2015

Kate22015

You had your hair cut this month into a bob like me.

And then you decided that you wanted to wear your hair up in “pig pony tails”.

Your favourite toy is Mr Potato Head this month.

Your current night time teddies are a Flamingo and a large white rabbit.

You wake every night and shout for us.

You like playing pretend schools.

You are extremely stubborn and if you do not get your way will cry and scream for hours.

You like things in threes – because you are 3.

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Piran { February 2015 }

February 22, 2015

Piran22015You have been poorly for a long couple of weeks. A cough and a virus.

You loved having your cousins to stay for a few days in half term.

You really love pizza at the moment.

I am reading ‘The Robber Hotzenplotz’ to you at bedtime.

You drew your own chart for good behaviour and give yourself ticks.

Bedtime was great when you were ill. I know you are better as last night wasn’t good.

Your favourite indoor game at the moment is hide and seek.

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Hexagon Pin Cushion Caddy Tutorial

February 19, 2015

Hexagon Pin Cushion Caddy

Today I am over at the Simply Solids blog sharing a tutorial I found on Instagram for this brilliant Pin Cushion Caddy. I have made two now and I love them both. These will make great gifts for stitchy friends and family this year. Not these ones though. The one made from Priory Square is off to Simply Solids HQ and the other one is mine, all mine.

Hexagon Pin Cushion Caddy2

Go and check it out for yourself. It is a hand sewing EPP project and great fun.

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Back soon

February 18, 2015

Kite1

Things that mean I have no time to write a blog post:

Sick Children

Half Term

Visiting Family

Happily the sick child is better now. We have had a lovely time with visiting family, who have now moved on, but we are still only half way through half term.

If I survive I will be back in a few days!