25 minutes free writing

May 18, 2006

I am challenging myself to write for 25 minutes and to see what comes out. Why 25 minutes? Well because that is how long I have left until I leave work, jump in my car and go home to take care of the sick boyfriend. Bless him he had to leave work early today because he felt so rough. I am torn between wanting to take care of him and wanting to stay the hell away because I simply cannot afford to get ill. Not again.

Today at work has been slightly calmer but I just wrote myself a list of things that I need to do tomorrow and let me tell you – it covers one side of A4 and that is only the bits and pieces. The bulk of my day is easily explained in 3 words. Audit account xxxxxxxx. That will take up at least 4 hours. People I tell you there are officially not enough hours in the day!

I have been good and gone to the gym twice this week. I will admit to missing two training sessions last week – I just couldn’t get motivated at all, didn’t even want to leave the house, let alone go for a run. I just mis-typed run as fun. Hmmm not sure that I am there with that PMA yet (Positive Mental Attitude for those who have not seen the Lucozade adverts). Anyway my legs ache but it definately gave me the boost I needed today at lunchtime to get back into my work afterwards.

I am not sleeping well at all at the moment. Any sleep I do get seems to be completely filled with mental, crazy-ass dreams. I tell you in the past couple of weeks I have had dreams about looking after babies (went well until I realised at the end of the day that I hadn’t changed the nappy and there was poo EVERYWHERE. I was so upset) I dreamt I bought a house (nothing fancy, just a quaint little cottage) In one I was a spy and had to dismantle a bomb (not so hot at that I can tell you) There have been natural disasters and car chases and work and shopping (whenever I dream of shopping it is always in the same place but nowhere I have ever been before). I could go on but you get the gist of it. There are so many that I cannot remember.

I wake up at least three times a night, and start to worry about work or my friends again and then cannot sleep. Then I finally drift off and the dreams start again. I get up in the morning exhausted. Tonight I am going to try and take some Nytol to see if I at least can sleep through the night, even though I know they make me groggy in the morning. I just need some rest.

I mentioned recently that things with my friends were annoying me. That they never contacted me, that I always called them to arrange to see each other. Well this week it has really got me down. Two things happened yesterday that just tipped me over the edge.

Firstly I had invited G#1 for dinner yesterday so I text her at lunchtime to see if she wanted me to pick her up and it was only when she replied to my text that she said she couldn’t make it. It just would have been nice if she had let me know earlier because Paul had gone to the trouble of making a really nice dinner and buying stuff especially. I did tell her that it was a shame and that I had really been looking forward to it and she apologised again and said we will do it next week but it hurt my feelings as I haven’t seen her in ages.

Then I emailed G#2 to ask how she was and whether she enjoyed her weekend away and she just emailed me back a really short message saying no news but her G#1 and Dawnie are going for a drink tomorrow night and would I like to come along. Obviously the three of them had arranged it and it was only because I emailed her that she asked me.

I know I am probably overreacting but I am really struggling at the moment and it is the last thing that I need. I haven’t done anything wrong, all I have done is moved out and all of a sudden it is like they have forgotten I exist. I was in tears last night about it all. I know that they have been getting together every Tuesday to watch Lost and they haven’t invited me.

I was single for two years and ended up being the odd one out when we went out and I did all the time. Now I have a boyfriend and I am happier all of a sudden they don’t seem to want me around.

If I get an opportunity I am going to speak to G#2 about it because I know she would if she was in my position but I am dreading it because whatever I say I think it just sounds like I’m being paranoid or acting like a spoilt child.

But I spilt my guts about this to Mouldy this morning and he was really sweet about it all and said that if I do tell them they will probably be really surprised and not realise that what they have been doing was making me upset. That they all my friends and would never intentionally hurt me. But he also said that I should mention it beacuse he thinks they would want to know. He also said I was neither paranoid or a spoilt child so that made me feel better.

Well that is it. I feel better for pouring this all onto the page. This is what is going on with me at the moment and I felt I had been neglecting my blog a bit recently so it feels good to get it all out.

5 Comments

  • Reply Cleavers May 18, 2006 at 6:25 pm

    Mouldy sounds like he gives good advice. I went through a similar thing recently and as soon as I said something, they were horrified as they’d had absolutely no idea. And I don’t think you are being spoilt or childish – if something is bothering you, it doesn’t matter what it is as it will continue to gnaw away until it gets resolved. Better to nip it in the bud now before it becomes bigger than it needs to be.

    Good luck and hope your man feels better soon too!

  • Reply dragonfly May 18, 2006 at 10:56 pm

    Not that you’re asking for advice [grin]…

    I’d have to agree with Mouldy. They’re probably completely unaware of what they’re doing and I’d bet it’s unintentional in the “oh, we thought we were giving you the time you wanted to spend with Paul” kinda way. You should talk to them. I bet y’all will end up laughing about it afterwards. 🙂

  • Reply Tim-tambolini May 19, 2006 at 12:22 am

    About the dreams and no sleep. I have the wildest, craziest, screwed up dreams when I haven’t been sleeping right. Some are very sexual and I find myself waking up feeling as though I’m in love with someone who isn’t the one who is laying next to me. Disturbing.

    As for your friends. I’m sure they aren’t doing that intentionally. I would tend to think that they think that you are occupied with Paul and too much ‘in love’ to bother with them. I’m sure it’s all innocent and they aren’t leaving you out on purpose. They probably want to give you time to spend with Paul and not bother you too much with whatever ‘single’ sorts of things they’re doing. But who am I to say…I don’t understand women and I am one.

  • Reply Léonie May 19, 2006 at 10:15 am

    Sounds like you have a lot of transitions going on at the moment. Moving out of the house with the girls must be so strange, it’s not surprising that you feel a bit left out. Also with all the stress at work.. poor you, it all sounds a bit much really. I too am sure that your friends aren’t leaving you out deliberately, and that they assume that things have changed for you and you don’t need them as much. Talk to them, I’m sure it’ll be fine.

    Well done for your gym sessions! I’m impressed, and a bit intimidated.

    Hope today’s going well so far and that you’re not too snowed under.

    xx

  • Reply soulmining May 19, 2006 at 1:35 pm

    I think Mouldy (and everyone else who has posted comments here) has got it spot on… I’m sure the girls are totally oblivious and will be horrified when they realise how upset you’ve been. I think you should say something though, just so they know how you feel.

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