42 days

June 15, 2011

Six weeks = 42 days. I just realised that on the last post I wrote I got the number of days wrong, it should have been 36 not 31!

Over the past six weeks I have come to realise that I really don’t remember much about when Piran was a newborn baby. We keep asking each other whether Piran did this and that and we just have no recollection at all.

One thing I do remember however is saying to a friend that six weeks was the week where I felt like I was coming out of the fog and started to feel back in control.

This time week six has knocked me sideways. I am exhausted. I am sad. I am overwhelmed and scared. I have a million things that I am worrying over and obsessing about. I am up and down and all over the place. I can feel like I am getting along fine and then 20 minutes later be in tears because nothing is going right.

There are moments of brightness, it is not all bad. This week Kate is more alert and occasionally spends time awake with her eyes open and not crying. It’s a novelty I tell you.

I crave routine though. I want to start thinking about bedtimes and regular feeds but I have a funny feeling she will be keeping me on my toes for a while yet.

Six weeks old today. Those weeks have flown past, but in a way it feels like she has always been here. She is gorgeous and lovely and at times I am overwhelmed by the love that I feel for these two wonderful creatures that we have made that I have to sit and cry a little.

Piran has good days and bad days. Over the past week we have been really firm with him and not let him into our bed until morning. There have been quite a few tears, not just his, but I feel like we are making progress. This has meant that I have spent more time asleep in my own bed than on the sofa and that has helped me.

 It is meal times that are the biggest test. No matter what I do they both seem to manage to want feeding at exactly the same time. If Piran gets hungry and has to wait for food he gets mean and stroppy and hits out and throws screaming fits. If Kate gets hungry and has to wait for food she just screams! 4pm – 6pm is the worst time of day by far. I hate it when Mr C gets in from work and one or both of them are crying. Makes me feel like the worst mum in the world.

Any time that they are both crying at the same time is pretty shit to be honest. I just keep telling myself it won’t last.

I think I see an improvement in Kate though, a bit more settled, a lit less crying. Last night she ate at 8pm, fell asleep at 9.30 and didn’t wake until 1.45am. It was like a dream come true. I needed it to happen though. I was at breaking point. I knew I was in a bad place yesterday afternoon when I started watching the last ever episode of the Gilmore Girls and was crying before the opening credits. It all went to hell in a handbasket 20 minutres later when I got a telephone call to say that sadly the inlaw’s dog was being put down. I spent the next two hours randomly sobbing and trying to hide the crying from Piran as he gets very concerned when I am upset. 

Onwards and upwards I hope. Time to go, Kate won’t settle so I need to try and get her back to sleep.

A rare moment of peace in the afternoon this week.

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