9 to 5

May 9, 2010

Well, actually 8.30 – 5, 2 days per week (Monday and Friday) but there isn’t a song with that as the title.

I am going back to work. Not just yet, on the 5th July to be precise, but it isn’t that long. I am sure that it will be here before I know it.

For months I have wanted to blog about how I felt about it all, what I was thinking. It is one of those areas that you really have to tread carefully isn’t it online? I know that people at work know about this blog, I have no idea if they read it or not. But when everything was up in the air the last thing I wanted to do was ruin my chances by mentioning it on here. It has made me realise how much I rely on this blog to clear my head, to help me think. My jumbled, mixed up words clatter through the keyboard onto the screen and at the end I usually find some sort of clarity. I tried writing about it in my journal but it is not quite the same without an audience, sort of like talking to myself really.

Deciding to go back to work was not an easy decision for me. When I went on maternity leave I knew that if I didn’t want to go back we would be able to manage with me as a stay at home mum. I was convinced that it would be what I wanted. I thought it would be the easiest decision I had ever made. Turns out I was wrong.

Part of me is reluctant to write this post. For two reasons. Firstly, my husband reads this blog occasionally. I think he knows most of this stuff but just in case I just want to say – don’t read too much into this, I am fine and happy. I just want to write this down. Secondly, I want to say that I know how lucky I was to even have staying at home as an option. I do not take that lightly. I was convinced that I would give it all up for Piran.

But as he has got a little older I have realised some things about being a SAHM. It can be isolating and lonely. I didn’t go to NCT, so I haven’t had a group of mums to meet up with. We go to various classes, swimming, signing and I talk to the mums and dads there, but after an hour we all go our separate ways. I see my friend, Lovely Lady and her baby O who is 3 months younger than Piran, once a week for lunch. Once a month or so I pop over to Worthing for a bit of a ‘tweet up’ with some blogging / twitter friends and their babies. Other than that it is just Piran & I. He is super cute, but not exactly a riveting conversationalist so far!

None of my friends that live in the area have children. I see one friend every few weeks but I know we are drifting apart. Other friends live in London and getting together isn’t that easy. My family and other friends are all in Cornwall. Leaving work made me realise that most of the friends I actually have are between those four walls.

So, when work contacted me and said that they would consider me working two days a week I jumped at the chance. I have no idea if I have made the right decision. I am worried about not being able to give work 100% – I am not going to be the same person I was before I had a baby. I will leave on time and take lunch breaks. I will not have the same dedication I had when I was building a career, I just can’t. Going back will be hard. I have to watch someone else do my job, as part time hours have meant a different role for me. Will I be able to get my head down and just get on with it? I know I find it hard to not get involved.

Then there is Piran. I do worry about how he will settle in at nursery – he is not used to noise and lots of people. He is not used to other children. He is only used to being with us or his Grandparents. My MIL is going to look after him in the morning and he will go to nursery in the afternoon. Will she cope? However, despite all my concerns I am keen for Piran to go and socialise with other children. My lack of friends with children means that he is just surrounded by adults all the time. His cousins live in Cornwall, he only has one little friend that he sees regularly, so I hope it will be good for him. This was a real concern of mine and one that could only be solved by me going back to work and earning enough to send him to nursery. If I am honest it is one of the main reasons I am going back.

So there we have it. I am going back to work for the benefit of my social life, and Piran’s! A bit backward perhaps but I know that I will enjoy all the perks that work has to offer – hot cups of tea, uninterrupted bathroom breaks, seeing my husband during the day (he works there too), reading a book at lunchtime, the feeling at the end of the day of actually accomplishing something –  I have quite a list!

This is my submission for the BMB carnival that I am hosting on Tuesday – it is not too late to submit a post, just one condition, the title of the post must be a song title.

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