Last night at 9pm I was sat on my kitchen units, stress eating hot cross buns and crying. Mr C was in the front room looking for a rat or mouse that he was convinced was behind the sofa. There was nothing, but finding out what we thought was a mouse infestation was actually a rat and mouse infestation earlier in the week has left us both extremely on edge.
Then earlier this week when Mr C was away I couldn’t ignore the bad smell in Kate’s room anymore. I donned my gloves, took a deep breath and cleared everything out, convinced at any moment that some little furry friends would pop out at me at any time. A couple hours later all I had found was a number of dust bunnies and a small patch of mold. And so I guess that whatever the smell is it is either coming from the loft or under the floorboards. I cannot bear it and think it is so strong. Others people think that perhaps it is getting better. I just don’t know what to do. What with mice and floods and now rats and I am finding everything so very very hard.
Kate cannot sleep in her room – it is too unpleasant, so she is on a mattress on our floor at the moment. Everything from her room is everywhere. Our bedroom is bursting at the seams. The landing is covered in furniture. I cannot get into bed without climbing or standing on Kate. Piran attempting to come into our bed made me completely explode in the middle of the night last night. I need rest and I need things to be back to normal. I am not coping AT ALL.
I think that the main problem is that I spend a lot of time in this house and it is my safe place. As an introvert having a safe place to hide from the world is so important. But I just don’t want to be here at the moment. I feel let down by the place I live. Silly to imagine that a house can make you feel that way I know but for me it is a real thing. I just want to be elsewhere but being outside is just so cold so we are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I needed to write this, to get the way I am feeling out of my body and onto the page. I just want to fix everything but all January I have been putting in so much effort and I just feel that it has all been for nothing – that I am at the end of the month and everything is just worse. Mr C is away Sunday night for 4 days and for the first time ever I really just don’t want to be left to do everything alone. I just hope that the weekend will bring me a chance to rest and regain some mental strength for the days ahead.