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A hard time

January 30, 2015

sad

Last night at 9pm I was sat on my kitchen units, stress eating hot cross buns and crying. Mr C was in the front room looking for a rat or mouse that he was convinced was behind the sofa. There was nothing, but finding out what we thought was a mouse infestation was actually a rat and mouse infestation earlier in the week has left us both extremely on edge.

Then earlier this week when Mr C was away I couldn’t ignore the bad smell in Kate’s room anymore. I donned my gloves, took a deep breath and cleared everything out, convinced at any moment that some little furry friends would pop out at me at any time. A couple hours later all I had found was a number of dust bunnies and a small patch of mold. And so I guess that whatever the smell is it is either coming from the loft or under the floorboards. I cannot bear it and think it is so strong. Others people think that perhaps it is getting better. I just don’t know what to do. What with mice and floods and now rats and I am finding everything so very very hard.

Kate cannot sleep in her room – it is too unpleasant, so she is on a mattress on our floor at the moment. Everything from her room is everywhere. Our bedroom is bursting at the seams. The landing is covered in furniture. I cannot get into bed without climbing or standing on Kate. Piran attempting to come into our bed made me completely explode in the middle of the night last night. I need rest and I need things to be back to normal. I am not coping AT ALL.

I think that the main problem is that I spend a lot of time in this house and it is my safe place. As an introvert having a safe place to hide from the world is so important. But I just don’t want to be here at the moment. I feel let down by the place I live. Silly to imagine that a house can make you feel that way I know but for me it is a real thing. I just want to be elsewhere but being outside is just so cold so we are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I needed to write this, to get the way I am feeling out of my body and onto the page. I just want to fix everything but all January I have been putting in so much effort and I just feel that it has all been for nothing – that I am at the end of the month and everything is just worse. Mr C is away Sunday night for 4 days and for the first time ever I really just don’t want to be left to do everything alone. I just hope that the weekend will bring me a chance to rest and regain some mental strength for the days ahead.

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20 Comments

  • Reply Emily January 30, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    I totally get it and don’t think it’s odd at all. Home is the place where we relax and breathe and how it looks and feels is like that. You’ve had a run of bad luck. The chaos you describe is how we’ve been living since November and some days it was unbearable. Even now, it is better, but still not done and I’m ‘over’ it, so I totally get it.
    Make a list. You’ll get it sorted, but first FIND THAT SMELL. Not next week. THIS WEEKEND. Then when Mr C is away you can move Kate back in her room. Sending love Kellyfairy xx

    • Reply Kelly January 31, 2015 at 3:47 pm

      Thank you lovely. As I said yesterday the thought of building work makes me panic. We will get to the bottom of it. Although I have begged Mr C to go up in the loft today and despite saying he will he has not. I will go myself tomorrow if he doesn’t.

  • Reply Ellie Horry January 30, 2015 at 4:49 pm

    Oh Kelly, you poor love!
    ‘Home’ is a sense, as well as a place, and yours has been well and truly invaded, violated and disrupted. Your safe place no longer feels safe, and your reactions to that are very very human. Is there anyone you can ask to come and help you have a sort out while C is away, to help you reclaim the space and make it feel yours again? To investigate the smell (ugh) and to start to get things back to normal? Doing it on your own is not a good plan, call in the reinforcements and the cavalry, ask for help.
    It WILL start to feel like home again.
    X x

    • Reply Kelly January 31, 2015 at 3:48 pm

      Thank you. My inlaws are great, they will help if I ask. And you are right. I have been concentrating on making the downstairs still feel very much like my home and that is helping.

  • Reply PhotoPuddle January 30, 2015 at 5:02 pm

    Thankfully we’ve not had any creatures or bad smells to deal with (yet) but I can totally appreciate how you feel about your house and how it doesn’t feel like your safe place any more. Since September we have been extending our house and everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. The house has been a complete mess and it feels like there has always been some stranger or other working here. Oh and we spent six weeks sleeping downstairs in the living room and dining room as we couldn’t be upstairs. We are pretty much at the end of our journey now and I am so pleased with the results. But it has been so hard, especially as I am a stay-at-home mum so can’t go to work or school to escape the chaos like the rest of the family can. It’s not been good for me mentally I must admit. I just hope that spring will come, the house will be finished and I can become a happy and chilled out person.

    Hope you can sort out the problem with Kate’s room soon xxx

    • Reply Kelly January 31, 2015 at 3:49 pm

      We either need to move or extend, but the idea of building work does frighten me a lot. I am sorry that you have had such a difficult ride and I hope that your home is finished soon and you feel happier again x

  • Reply Elizabeth Rebecca January 30, 2015 at 5:09 pm

    I hope you get the mould sorted soon.

    Lizzie Dripping

    • Reply Kelly January 31, 2015 at 3:49 pm

      Thank you. It cannot last forever! Bring on the spring.

  • Reply Helloitsgemma January 30, 2015 at 5:22 pm

    It sounds so stressful. Sending positive vibes. X

    • Reply Kelly January 31, 2015 at 3:49 pm

      Thank you lovely. Those vibes help xxx

  • Reply sez January 30, 2015 at 5:23 pm

    Right when I come I am getting to the bottom of this! Even if I have to rip up your floor boards we will sort this and make it your home again xxx

    • Reply Kelly January 31, 2015 at 3:50 pm

      You are the best sis in the world ever. Fact. Also if they haven’t gone by half term I am moving out.

  • Reply tiddlyompompom January 30, 2015 at 7:08 pm

    Oh you poor thing 🙁 sounds like you’re having a horrible time. Have you called someone like rentokil? I hope that you can reclaim you’re safe place very soon xxx

    • Reply Kelly January 31, 2015 at 3:50 pm

      The council have been in, and are due back in a week. This is just an interim problem!

  • Reply Molly January 30, 2015 at 7:10 pm

    I can absolutely relate. We had mice AND rats in the cottage we used to live in and it was horrendous. I could hear them and genuinely thought I was going mad until my husband finally believed me – when a rat ran over his foot in the kitchen. I know it’s an expense but I’d really recommend getting pest control in and putting some poison down. They do say that at this time of year the problem peaks because rodents are looking for somewhere warm, out of the cold. Not nice or pleasant and I hope you manage to deal with it soon. Much love – it’s horrid, I was a blubbering mess when we had our issue!

    • Reply Kelly January 31, 2015 at 3:51 pm

      Thanks lovely. The poison is in the loft and the problem will be resolved eventually. At least I have not come face to face with one yet!

  • Reply Kat G January 30, 2015 at 7:26 pm

    ugh. how awful. I hope it is all sorted quickly and you find some equilibrium.

    • Reply Kelly January 31, 2015 at 3:51 pm

      Thank you lovely.

  • Reply Make do mum February 2, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    It is awful isn’t it? Even now we have the cat I still think I smell ‘mousy’ smells and if I hear a rustle in the night I think it’s one. It’s made me paranoid! Your exterminator will have done the trick though. Hope you feel at home again soon x

    • Reply Kelly February 2, 2015 at 7:35 pm

      It is indeed. The idea of a cat has been discussed but Mr C is allergic and I am not really interested in one more thing to look after!

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