Adrift

March 17, 2011

I am feeling very peculiar at the moment.

I am sure that it is all down to hormones but I every day it is like I am adrift on a sea of emotion and I can’t say I like it. I mentioned on Twitter a while ago that when the baby moves I get hit by waves of emotion, like I am on the verge of tears. It is an odd feeling and not one that I can say I like. When I tell Mr C he suggests a good old cry but it is not quite like that. The emotion is there, the waves crash against my chest but I can’t seem to let it out at all.

I have started to feel like it more and more, not just when Thumper is having a good old wiggle. It doesn’t help that I am wandering round in that particular pregnancy daze, where simple words are forgotten, tasks impossible to remember. It makes me feel like I am floating on a turbulent sea. I need some kind of anchor.

Looking after Piran helps in a way, although I feel more and more frustrated as it becomes harder and harder. I can’t seem to get used to being this size, I am constantly knocking things over with my bump, getting stuck in gaps I think I can get through and opening doors into my stomach. There are things that I want to do but can’t. Each day there is a pinnacle, where I feel that I might just be getting on top of things and then the tiredness hits and by the end of the day I am all gnarled up inside, convinced that I am failing in some way, because my house is a mess, I can’t bend down to tidy up, my husband has no clean vests. The smallest little thing becomes the biggest failure.

Not getting any decent sleep really doesn’t help. I wake at least every hour, pains in my hips from the weight of my bump. The need to go to the toilet every 30 minutes, the heartburn, feeling like acid pools in my throat making me so uncomfortable. The insomnia, around 3 every morning where I lay there while Mr C and Piran sleep, giving myself a hard time about wasting good rest time when there is nothing I can do about it.

And now. Now I have written this I feel the usual guilt. Guilt that I am not enjoying this pregnancy. Guilt that I know so many other women out there would give anything to be in my position, to have babies, to be pregnant. I feel ungrateful and evil. I have no right to feel like this, to right to complain. I feel I have to say, please do not misunderstand me. I am aware how lucky I am and how happy I should be and I want this baby with my whole heart. I’m just not coping too well right now.

So there I am again, adrift on my sea of emotions. Pain, frustration, anger, sadness and now guilt. I can’t wait until I see the shore and can stand on solid ground again.

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