Today I freaked out. I was exhausted and the house was a mess and I still felt ill and couldn’t do anything without getting wheezy and the carpet was dirty and there was mud all over the house and the washing was still in the tumble dryer from yesterday and the dirty dishes were piling up and there was stuff on every single surface that I could see and I couldn’t even get the hoover out of the cupboard because it was so full of stuff and I opened every cupboard in every room to try and put something away but there was not a single space and I just moved things around and didn’t make a difference and Mr C called to say that he had a meeting that would go on late tonight and that meant my planned night out was off but I couldn’t even care because there was this pain in my chest and I was panicking and wanted to hide or I wanted to cry or I wanted to run away. Thankfully Piran was with his Nan.
I sat on the sofa on the phone to Mr C and just cried. I ranted about all of the things above, and the fact that there is so much stuff of Piran’s that we don’t use or he has grown out of but that I don’t want to give away or sell because I want another baby in the near future so that would be silly but the house is fit to burst.
I said that all I wanted was for someone to give me a nice, organised house that had a place for everything, I promise that I would keep it tidy and clean.
When I feel like this, when all of these thoughts crowd into my brain I just shut down. As the panic increases I slow down. The most I can do is sit on the sofa and watch television. I can shut out the guilt, I can start to breathe again. So long as I don’t take my eyes of the screen. Sleeping works usually too, but despite the fact I have been up since 4am I just couldn’t do it.
I sat on the floor and stared at the carpet. It really was dirty. Perhaps I could just hoover the carpet downstairs? If I just did that I would have accomplished something today. I went to get the hoover out and started to get distracted by moving stuff in the cupboard about. I realised what I was doing and stopped. I slowly and carefully hoovered the carpets downstairs, moving things, putting them back.
I realised that if I concentrated on one thing I didn’t panic. I didn’t get overwhelmed.
So this afternoon I slowly put one thing away at a time. If I tried to pick up two things I stopped. I would take one thing, put it away and then looked around for the next thing. I managed to tidy the front room and the hallway. I even dusted.
I don’t know why I have written this down. Perhaps the next time I have a day like this I can read it again and remember that by just focusing on one thing I can get over these feelings. These days are not new to me, although the added exhaustion of being a parent adds a new dimension. I feel like they come more often than they used to, but I can’t really be sure that is the truth. Every week there seems to be a reason why I do not feel ‘right’. I am frustrated. I have everything I ever wanted but I don’t seem to be able to get away from these old feelings, the old patterns. I want to be a happy, fun mum. I want to count my blessings every day. I want to enjoy the life we have made for ourselves.