And finally, to me.
I am up and I am down. The tablets must be working because I would have lost my shit a long time ago. These past few weeks have been so hard but I have stopped crying all the time and most days are okay. Some days are grey, and some, like today are black. I know that is because I have reached the point where I HAVE to go back home. Real life is calling and there are many things that I need to get done.
I dont want to leave. I am always homesick but this time I look around at this place and I feel so connected and it is so rugged and becautiful and perfectly matches my mood that I just want to stay. I want to make a home here for my family and be able to see my parents and siblings all the time. I want to enjoy the fact I am part of a large family. I want Piran and Kate to grow up seeing their cousins every weekend not twice a year. I want the beach to be part of daily life, not a place to be afraid of when we go. I want to be able to stand and look out so sea and just enjoy the space and freedom I feel.
I think all of these things and then I feel crushing guilt. I have a lovely home and a life in Sussex. I have a job (when I am not on maternity leave). Mr C has a very good job, one that affords us becautiful things and we are so very lucky. He works so hard for us, and I feel terrible that I seem to feel that this is not enough for me.
And then there is the rest of the guilt. That Piran and Kate are such hard work at the moment that I do not enjoy being with them. I do not laugh. I am not fun. I am stressed and tired and short tempered. I feel fat and hot and ugly all the time. I know that my thoughts are irrational but I cannot stop them. I want to do so much but have no energy for any of the things that I know would make me feel better. I have constant guilt that I am relying too much on my inlaws, that they do not get a break.
On Thursday next week I am having a (teenie tiny) lump removed from my neck. Last time this happened (the lump was much bigger that time) it took three operations and all sorts of stress and worry about results and such. In the end it was a benign something or other that I cannot remember because I have had two babies since then but now I have children these worries become so much more. It is hard to stop them. Plus there is the worries about looking after children with stitches in my neck. Hopefully it will all be nothing.
Oh this is just a big pity party and I know I should stop. I have a beautiful family, a wonderful loving husband and two healthy children. I am sure I will feel better when I hit publish and all of this is out of my brain and onto a page. Thank you for listening. I will now try and make the most of the last 24 hours that I am in Cornwall and try not to dwell on the saying goodbye bit.
|At the Christening last weekend. Check out Kate and her crazy hair!|