Write, Yours Truly

Apologising

November 2, 2015
kelly relax

A moment’s peace in the sun.

Since my post yesterday I have been thinking a lot about telling the truth about how I am feeling.

The thing is I am really really lucky. I have two amazing children and a kind and wonderful husband. We have a house and we are warm and fed and dry. Mr C has a good job that means I do not need to work. I have a studio to sew in that he pays for. We have gadgets galore. I am able to go to college. We are careful and save so that we don’t have to worry about Christmas and unexpected bills to some extent. We can go on holiday. We are all relatively healthy.

And so, what have I got to complain about? I have free time. I have people to help me out when I need it. I have friends who care.

Today we went out and as usual people were asking how half term had been.

And I told the truth – pretty crap honestly.

But should I? Should I just say it was quiet and ask them how their’s was? Or do I be completely honest? These things have an effect on how I am and how I feel and if I don’t share that with people then everyone will just think everything is tickety boo. But I don’t want to be seen as someone who complains all the time. And that is when I feel I should apologise.

It is the same with writing. When I think about blogging these things I always feel like I should be adding a disclaimer – saying that I know that a lot of people are much worse off than I am. But then I don’t want to apologise for something that is real in my life. I don’t think that I should have to.

Depression is a funny thing. Being depressed happens to all sorts of people. There are people who live hand to mouth everyday and they are still perfectly happy. There are people that have everything in life who feel like life is not worth living.

I think what I need to say is that I know how lucky I am. Please take my word for it when I say that I take nothing for granted. But I cannot apologise for being depressed, for the fact that there is something in my brain that stops me feeling happy, like I am in charge, like I can cope. And I am working on that.

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7 Comments

  • Reply Mary Roberts November 3, 2015 at 9:15 am

    I too suffer from depression and fibromyalgia. There are times when the journey is very lonely and I too experience similar feelings to your own. We are the lucky ones on our good days we can create and be joyous on our bad we have a safe haven and people who love us. Be kind to yourself.

    • Reply Kelly November 3, 2015 at 8:19 pm

      Thank you Mary, yes I am very fortunate that I have ways of dealing with how I feel by being creative. I need to remember that more, and make time.

  • Reply Kate November 3, 2015 at 1:55 pm

    What an incredible post Kelly, you make so much sense in it and no you shouldn’t have to apologise. Your blog is named what it is for a reason – it’s primarily for you. The problem with bollocks social media (of which I count blogs as a part) is that everyone loves to make everything look so great and pretty and easy – but life isn’t always those three things, it isn’t always even one of those things. I think you should say your half term was crap if it was – half term and holidays are basically 18 hours of childcare a day and that IS pretty crap, even if your children are saints (which mine aren’t). We went away to a European city to see my extended family and every five minutes were reminded of how stupid it is to take knackered, whingeing children on city breaks – when I tell people this this week, they look at me as if I’m crazy… And I feel like I’m being negative. But that really is how it was! I didn’t post any pictures of it on the LL IG because I didn’t want it to look all perfect when it really wasn’t. There were some great moments, but there were some utterly shit ones too. Hang in there, you’re doing great. x

    • Reply Kelly November 3, 2015 at 8:18 pm

      Thank you Kate, for your kind words. I think that it is only when we are brave and honest that others feel that they can be honest with us too. For every one person who might look at us like we are crazy for admitting that a holiday wasn’t that great after all, there is another going “oh god YES, THAT”. When I was posting stuff to IG over the summer I added a ‘keeping it real’ caption and that made me feel better about posting what look like idyllic moments that are actually just a split second freeze frame or the utter chaos that is life x

  • Reply Neame November 3, 2015 at 7:05 pm

    A thing about depression is that it is one of the invisible illnesses – no broken skin, no broken bones – so it simply is not paid any attention. And frequently the attention it does get is along the lines of disbelief or worse. These messages are internalized and soon we are berating ourselves for being sick – no need for anyone else to do it. So don’t apologize – nothing to apologize for. That you recognize within yourself the things you are grateful for is sufficient. And that you recognize you are depressed is brave. Go ahead. Write about your struggles. I’ll listen. You may even spark a light of recognition in a fellow sufferer who does not have your courage. Finally, consider getting medical help. Hugs.

    • Reply Kelly November 3, 2015 at 8:14 pm

      Thank you so much for your comment, especially this line – That you recognize within yourself the things you are grateful for is sufficient. I am already under the care of my doctor and taking antidepressants, but things still suck right now. But that is okay, I am a work in progress.

  • Reply Neame November 9, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    So glad you have support. Hugs.

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