Since my post yesterday I have been thinking a lot about telling the truth about how I am feeling.
The thing is I am really really lucky. I have two amazing children and a kind and wonderful husband. We have a house and we are warm and fed and dry. Mr C has a good job that means I do not need to work. I have a studio to sew in that he pays for. We have gadgets galore. I am able to go to college. We are careful and save so that we don’t have to worry about Christmas and unexpected bills to some extent. We can go on holiday. We are all relatively healthy.
And so, what have I got to complain about? I have free time. I have people to help me out when I need it. I have friends who care.
Today we went out and as usual people were asking how half term had been.
And I told the truth – pretty crap honestly.
But should I? Should I just say it was quiet and ask them how their’s was? Or do I be completely honest? These things have an effect on how I am and how I feel and if I don’t share that with people then everyone will just think everything is tickety boo. But I don’t want to be seen as someone who complains all the time. And that is when I feel I should apologise.
It is the same with writing. When I think about blogging these things I always feel like I should be adding a disclaimer – saying that I know that a lot of people are much worse off than I am. But then I don’t want to apologise for something that is real in my life. I don’t think that I should have to.
Depression is a funny thing. Being depressed happens to all sorts of people. There are people who live hand to mouth everyday and they are still perfectly happy. There are people that have everything in life who feel like life is not worth living.
I think what I need to say is that I know how lucky I am. Please take my word for it when I say that I take nothing for granted. But I cannot apologise for being depressed, for the fact that there is something in my brain that stops me feeling happy, like I am in charge, like I can cope. And I am working on that.