I spent the last two weeks in Cornwall and returned last Friday. Getting back was chaotic (more on that later) and I woke on Saturday to discover that I wasn’t in a good place at all. The house was full of bags that needed unpacking, even though I had done washing at my mums there was still an overflowing basket and I just felt so completely out of control.
It took hours to psyche myself up to go into town to buy shoes for Piran and Kate, but it had to be done as in boredom on the car journey Piran had managed to pull his insoles out and completely destroy them. Thankfully Mr C came with me and the shoes were not too painful but I almost had a full blown panic attack in Marks and Spencer and then I lost Mr C in the shopping centre and well, everything was just bad.
My wonderful inlaws agreed to look after the children for a few hours on Sunday and Mr C and I tackled a very long to do list and bit by bit the house seemed more like home. But still I felt dreadful and I started to worry that I was having a bit of a relapse, all the feelings from a few months ago were back and I just wasn’t coping. It was soul destroying as in Cornwall I kept thinking how much better I was coping and how good I felt.
It never ceases to amaze me that even though I have had periods that you can set your watch by for the past twenty years (apart from when I was pregnant obviously) that I can be surprised every month when it appears. And then, everything fell into place. Yes I am feeling much better, but one week in four I always have a very difficult time and whatever hormones are zinging round send me spiralling back to that black place where I spent most of last summer. I need to be kind to myself on these days, to stop and rest and let go instead of worrying so much.
During the worst stretch of my PND I decided that to go back to work would really help me. That the feeling if accomplishment and achievement I get from work would help me feel better. I am looking forward to writing a list of things and working hard to tick them off one by one. Then pack up my tidy desk at the end of the day and go home for special mummy cuddles. I know this is what I wanted but as it has got closer and closer and I have felt better and better I have started to worry that perhaps it wasn’t the right decision after all.
I know that these feelings are just natural and I am trying to focus on the positives. This has made me remember a post that I wrote last time I went back to work and I dug around in my archives and found it. Just reading Back to work, my thoughts so far has made me smile this evening and I am now looking forward to some of the good things about being at work.