Big Blogger

February 24, 2006

So here is what would happen if you put Soulmining, Adz, Mouldy, Monkey, Leonie and I into the big brother house. It is a bit rude at points – you have been warned!

Big Brother!
Day 1 – Soulmining admits straight away that he doesn’t like the look of Dancinfairy. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Leonie is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Mouldy later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 – The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Adz creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Monkey hits him with a Potato Masher.
3 – The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother – they must make a model of The Taj Mahal out of Chipsticks. After much persuasion by Adz, they gamble 50% of next week’s food budget on completing the task.
4 – Training for the The Taj Mahal task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Mouldy, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Chipsticks. Monkey is furious.
5 – Today is the day when the The Taj Mahal task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Mouldy farts and blows The Taj Mahal over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Dancinfairy cries.
6 – Adz gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 – Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Dancinfairy admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Potato Masher. Soulmining says he never wears condoms because they make his arse sore and Adz agrees. Leonie goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they’re all boring heterosexual bastards. Mouldy sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Adz.
8 – Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Soulmining goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they’re the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Monkey and Dancinfairy are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Soulmining.
9 – Monkey and Dancinfairy are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Leonie sings them a song – Unchained Melody – to make them feel better.
10 – The public vote Dancinfairy out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Dancinfairy leaves.
11 – Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Dancinfairy’s departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week’s failed task. Leonie has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Monkey is visibly depressed and is comforted by Adz, who tries to touch her on her boob.
12 – The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Adz touching Monkey’s boob over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 – The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Mouldy refuses to run because his arse hurts a bit.
14 – Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Mouldy finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they’d never have done it. Monkey calls Mouldy a lazy arse.
15 – Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Soulmining tells everyone individually that he thinks Monkey is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Monkey and Adz are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Soulmining.
16 – The nominations are announced. Monkey can’t believe she’s been voted out two weeks in a row. Adz is equally stunned and turns to Monkey for comfort. Mouldy is distraught and confesses to Leonie that he thinks he is in love with Adz. Leonie says she doesn’t fancy any of the housemates because they’re all just too heterosexual and she’s a lesbian, you know
17 – The public vote Adz out of the house. Monkey says she is gutted and even gives Adz a clipping of hair from her boob to prove how much she cares. Mouldy is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Adz leaves.
18 – The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Monkey clipping the hair from her boob. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 – Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Taiwan in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 – Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Taiwan sounds like but Mouldy says it’s a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Soulmining as the one who must complete the task.
21 – Soulmining successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Taiwan but also God Save The Queen, Unchained Melody and the theme tune to Pop Idol. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 – Nominations are due and Soulmining tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Mouldy and Leonie are nominated.
23 – Mouldy and Leonie take their nominations well and sit down with Soulmining and Monkey to discuss why they voted for them. Soulmining keeps quiet but Monkey accuses Mouldy of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred arse before bursting into tears.
24 – The public vote Leonie out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Leonie leaves.
25 – Soulmining becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Soulmining’s mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he’s a wanker.
26 – Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Giraffe dung using only a Potato Masher. Soulmining is unsure but Mouldy is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 – Completely out of the blue, Mouldy breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Giraffe incident from his childhood. Monkey tries to persuade him to stay but Soulmining sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Mouldy decides to leave.
28 – With only two housemates remaining, the Giraffe dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Monkey from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 – Nominations are due for the final time. Soulmining asks Monkey to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Soulmining nominates Monkey to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Monkey.
30 – When the nomination is announced, Monkey graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Soulmining is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Soulmining takes his £70,000 and runs away to Taiwan. Nobody, including Monkey, ever sees him again.

There is a site where you fill in the blanks but I can’t seem to get it to link from here! I swear I did not just make all this up.

Did you miss the competition? Then go below and do it silly.

3 Comments

  • Reply Adz February 24, 2006 at 2:07 pm

    I can’t believe I didn’t win

    and as for touching boobs and hairy boobs?

    Im scared

    Poor lesbo Léonie!

  • Reply monkey typist February 24, 2006 at 8:12 pm

    ha! i thought youd written all of that, and wondered why youd chosen me to be hairily boobed. but i almost won! wheres my share of the money soulmining?? if you could leave it in a white 7 and a half ton van that would be great, thanks

  • Reply soulmining February 26, 2006 at 10:43 am

    Shouldn’t that be Thailand not Taiwan? Now you all know why I haven’t been spotted around Brighton for the last three weeks!!

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