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August 3, 2005

Fuck bollocks arse. Why did I go to the pub tonight? Why did I drink more than I should have? Why am I sat here at 11.45pm when I have to go to work tomorrow morning? Why am I so scared to go upstairs to my room? Why do I feel like it is all about to come out and I will sob forever? Why can’t I turn this computer off? Why are my settings on my ibook not set up so when I hit email me it doesn’t work. Why didn’t I eat a proper meal this evening? Why do I feel sick? Why do I feel like I am lost? Why am I still typing? Why is Big Brother on the tv when all I want is mindless drama? Why is Kemal so boring? Why have I not turned over? Why am I still asking questions? What the fuck am I going to do?

Because I needed to have an autopsy with Claire. Because I always do. Because I am not tired. Because I am afraid to go to bed as I will just lay there and think. Because I am sad and freaked. Because it is the only thing stopping me ffrom falling apart. Because I have no idea about bloody computers. Because I was too busy drinking in the pub. Because I didn’t eat and got drunk. Because I just broke up with my boyfriend. Because if I stop I will have to go to bed. Because I haven’t changed channel. Because he is. Because I can’t be bothered to realise there is nothing else on. Because I will have to turn this off and go to bed. I have no bloody idea.

God I am freaking out and I don’t want to stop but I have to go to bed. Plus Orlaith has just come on BBLB and that is enough to send me to bed.

Is there a light at the end of my tunnel or is it just someone with a torch coming to tell me that something else in my life is going wrong?

Ta-ra! Wish me luck with the sleeping thing.

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