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September 9, 2010

Dear Piran,

Eleven long months ago I wrote a post on this blog. It was all about my bedroom, the place that we used to hang out every morning. You would lay next to me yawning and smiling, cooing and kicking your legs and waving your arms. Your Dad would make me a cup of tea and then leave for work with waves and smiles and kisses. The two of us would cuddle and chat, watch TV, go on the computer. Around 8.30 you would slip back into sleep there on the duvet next to me.

This morning you started chatting away in your room at 6am. You seem to be happy to stay there as long as you cannot hear us moving about, as soon as you do your shouts for attention get more immediate and much louder. We go into your room and more often that not you are up on your feet grinning away at us. We pick you up and you wriggle and squiggle. If we are very lucky you will come and sit between us in bed but unless we play with you constantly, hiding you under the duvet you are off, clambering all over us to get off and see the rest of the bed. It makes my heart jump into my mouth every time you go racing off as you have no idea how to get off the bed!

People told me to cherish every moment of those early morning snuggles, and I like to think that I did. But now you are changing more and more every day, going faster and faster making me want to just hold onto something to make you slow down or even stop. Days, weeks, months blur into each other and I am scared that I will forget what these days were like. In the month since your birthday you have found your feet, sitting is boring and crawling is a means of transport but standing up is where it is at. You have such interest and focus in your surroundings, you are never still. Cuddles are brief, within moments you are wriggling your bum around trying to lever yourself out of my lap and off to your next adventure. Nothing is safe, you are so tall that when you stand you can reach everything. Yet again I have to rearrange the house to stop you destroying it.

If I am very lucky you will put your lips together and make a mmmmmmmm sound as you place your head against mine, a beautiful kiss. You have some words, Go, Bye, Daddy (all the time), Tessie, Diddy, Bubby. Some mean nothing, others do. You say “Cor” with an intake of breath which is so cute. Your Dad is away with work this week and every ‘Daddy?’ you mutter makes my heart twist in my chest. I wish you would say Mummy, but I guess I am always here. You talk and shout and chatter constantly, particularly in public. I can do a weeks shopping in Tesco and you make noise the whole time. You charm everyone we see with your smiles and giggles.

I am now back at work two days a week and after a few bumps we all seem settled in. Every time something changes I feel lost, like I have broken free of my anchor. I need routine to function, which is not always possible with a small person around. I am not always great with change but for now we have carved out a new week for the three of us and you love spending time with your Nanny and Grandad and Aunty Alison. I wish you got to spend as much time with your other family but soon we will visit them and you will get spoilt rotten.

What I have found since becoming your Mum is that change is inevitable. I used to avoid it, now I have to accept it. There will always be something to adapt to, to include in our days, or to deal with at night. Change is not a bad thing, although I have shied away from it in the past. I am not afraid of change anymore my gorgeous boy, you have made me brave.

Love Mum x

This post was written for Josie’s Writing Workshop this week. She asked us to write something about change as she tries to process everything she has seen and heard on her trip to Bangladesh. If you haven’t already please click on the box below and go and find out more.

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