I don’t know if I can write this post, but I have to write something.
I am stuck because writing helps me, reaching out to friends online helps me. But I don’t think that I want this ‘out there’ in the public domain. Writing about how I am feeling and what is happening in my life has become such a part of me. But I wouldn’t want people to read about it and worry too much about me. I wouldn’t want my children to read it some day. In the past I have been completely honest and written about everything but there is a point where it is not just writing about me, it is writing about other people and it doesn’t feel right anymore.
Just read that back – overly cryptic and dramatic much? In short, still depressed, struggling as a parent to deal with behaviour at home, sleep deprived, bedtime even more of a shambles as ever.
So I don’t know where that leaves me and this blog. I miss writing, I miss posting. I am doing lots of interesting things that I could write about but in a way it would feel wrong, I have always been honest. I don’t want to be false, I don’t want to be one of those people that just shows the highlights and not the real bits of life. Like I am having such a tricky time that my depression scores have nearly tripled in the last month. I don’t want to show lots of lovely crafts and sewing and share the things we have been making at home without some kind of disclaimer that says, this was the best hour of our entire weekend, the rest made me cry.
This post makes little sense but I do want people to know why I haven’t been posting. I will post tomorrow, because it is pancake day and I have a post arranged. Mmmm pancakes.