I read a blog post recently about postnatal depression (sadly I cannot remember where) that was talking about the hardest thing is not feeling anything at all.
It is definitely not like that for me. I am so full of emotion and feeling that it drives me crazy. No day is really the same as the next and it is not unusual for me to feel every single emotion in the space of a day, an even an hour. But then there are whole days where I am swept up feeling one way or another.
There are days like yesterday when I feel so utterly sad that it is a physical weight upon me. My bones are heavy, my soul weighs tons and all I want to do is lie very still under the duvet and just hope that everything goes away. It is a luxury that I do not have though so I get up and move. I am unable to get dressed or feed myself. I will look after the children but there is no fun, no games. I can’t smile at them. If they are particularly difficult I may cry. We will not leave the house and the television will be on all day.
There are days like today when I am angry. So fucking furious with myself and my life and everything that goes wrong. Everything Piran says or does winds me up. He picks up on it so he misbehaves more thinking that it’s funny. Every whine or cry makes me want to walk out of the door. I am sick of myself, how I look, how I feel. I snap at people, can be a right bitch. I want the whole world to just disappear and leave me the hell alone. Everything annoys me and drives me mad. I want to throw and crash and bash things. I want to scream.
Some days like Saturday are good. I feel energised. I feel positive. I get up and get moving and get out. I get stuff done. My to do list shrinks. I think of fun things to do with Piran. I sing for him. I make him laugh. We play and tickle and I chase him round the house. I spend time on myself and enjoy cooking and feeding my family. I spend ages trying to make Kate smile and laugh. I am organised and on top of things and I feel good. I go to bed with a smile on my face. It feels like life is good.
Some days I am an emotional wreck. The slightest thing makes me cry, good or bad, happy or sad. It is like I am so full of emotion that it will force itself out any way it can. Laughter, tears, rage. I want to write, or tweet or get these things out but it is too much. Too hard. I need an outlet but I just can’t get it right. I am full of nervous energy, I cannot sit still but I cannot get anything done either. I am afraid of everything and everyone. I am chaotic and completely useless.
On Sunday I woke up happy. It was such a shock I hardly knew what to do with myself. I had a lie in and a nice morning at home. I then went to a hotel for an hour in the spa (aromatherapy room = delightful) and had a manicure. I had afternoon tea and spent time with a wonderful friend. But somewhere along the way my mood had crashed and I just felt like I was going through the motions. That I just thought that I should be enjoying myself but actually I wasn’t feeling much of anything at all. I got home and felt so, so low I was back to being utterly miserable. I didn’t want to eat or speak or do anything. I couldn’t sleep. Everything felt so much worse than before I was happy because now I knew quite how bad I feel. The high made the low so much worse.
I want to get better but the up and down hurts. The light at the end of the tunnel has burnt me and now I want to shut down. I can understand why people do not want to feel because that is the hard part. I am going to a support group, it is a ten week course and after the first week I felt so drained, utterly emotionally exhausted because for the first time instead of putting how I am feeling in a box and just trying to get through each day I opened it up and let the words out. I admitted to someone else how I felt and found others who feel the same way. There are just three of us in the group and that is good. We are all very different but we all feel the same. It is good to face this head on but it is so very very hard. I need to find the strength if I am going to get through this and come out the other side.