I usually like Autumn. I particularly like when the leaves fall from the trees and dry out in the crisp sunshine, just ready for me to come along and crunch them under my feet. I love that sound. I like the words that I associate with this time of year, bright, crisp, crunch, brisk, cosy, fresh. I love the colours, reds, yellows, oranges and browns. Each day that dawns clear and sunny sees me thrilled with the opportunity to get outside and enjoy myself for what could be possibly the last really nice time outdoors.
But this year it all seems so flat. The weather has been great at times and rubbish at others but that is no different than any other year. I think that the problem is with me. I just feel blue. I have days when everything is ok but the majority of the time things don’t feel right. I want to be alone most of the time. Socialising seems to be a chore not a pleasure. I am very easily wound up and it is even easier to reduce me to tears. People are being nice to me but I don’t want to know. I am happiest alone in bed, cuddled under my duvet reading, watching a DVD or listening to the radio.
I know I get the instinct to hibernate at this time of year but this time it is mixed up with something different. It is not as if things are bad for me. I have a great job, that doesn’t stress me out too much, that is actually going places. I live in a nice flat with two great friends. My love life isn’t exactly fantastic but I don’t obsess about it, in fact I am happy with it, apart from the odd moment when I really want a cuddle more than anything.
Perhaps it is hormones. Perhaps I am just at a period in my life where I need to be alone. Perhaps this is all gearing up to some great ephinany that I am meant to have about my life. Maybe it is nothing and it will pass. Mind you it’s been a least two months that I have felt like this.
I am bored of speculating I just want to feel like me again.