Last night we went to London with Mr C’s work for a meal and a Circ de Soleil performance. It was nice to get dressed up and go out and spend some time just the two of us with no children. But the night itself left me feeling completely unsettled and today I have been all out of sorts.
The reason for the night out was to thank everyone that took part in a project that Mr C worked on last year, and to also thank their partners for being so understanding about them being away from home so much last year and working long hours etc. At one point during the meal there was a speech to congratulate everyone on the successful completion of the project. Last year I left my job with the same company, and if I had stayed then that speech would have been about me as well as Mr C and sitting there it took my breath away to realise how disappointed I felt that I was no longer part of that.
Since Christmas my freelance job at the sewing shop has finished and I am sort of unemployed for the first time in a very long time indeed. The longest I have been out of work in the past 16 years has been 2 weeks, other than my maternity leave but I always intended to carry on working. With Mr C traveling last year I couldn’t manage to keep up my two days a week at work so I left, to try and do something different, to find a way of being home and making a bit of money. I don’t think that I want that job, or a job with that company or maybe even an office job at all.
But now I just feel so lost.
Before children I was very hardworking and ambitious. I was good at my job, well liked and respected and was working my way up. I don’t begrudge not having that any more but at the moment I really feel that I lack any sort of direction or purpose. I have days each week where the children are at nursery and I have ‘free time’. Because that time is spent at home I am finding that I am spending a lot of that time either cleaning the house, doing the chores or catching up on sleep. Instead of just cleaning once a week I feel that if I have been home all day without children then the house should be clean and tidy. But within an hour of people being home it is back to its usual chaos so I am spending much more time clearing up and cleaning than I ever did before. Then my time is gone, I haven’t done what I needed to do and it is time to go and collect the kids.
There is so much that I could and should be doing to give myself more purpose. I need to be strict with myself and work out what I want and how I am going to achieve it. I made my first Petit Fromage sale this week and I find that I have lost all impetus since the rush before Christmas when everything was going so well and now I am floundering. I need to set aside specific time each week to do specific tasks. I wrote a to do list today, dumping everything I can think of out of my brain and it is two sides of A4 long.
Do you work from home? Are you self employed? How do you stay motivated and ensure that you get things done? I need some top tips and advice. I need to snap out of feeling like I have no purpose and find one, something that actually excites me and makes me feel passionate about doing something. I love sewing so much and would happily just work on things all the time but it needs to be not just for fun because I won’t be able to afford new fabrics soon. I miss blogging, I wish that I had time to comment on other people’s blogs and find fresh ones for my reader. I need to reply to all of my emails. I know that I love to write, to sew, to craft and create. I want to be proud of myself. I want to feel that my days are useful and worthwhile and that I achieve something. The incessant routine of sleep, meal, meal, meal, sleep when you are looking after children can be so hard and I do want to feel at the end of the day that I have achieved something good (other than keeping us all alive and hopefully not losing my temper too much).
I think a good place to start is to divide up my list into different areas and then schedule some time each week to tackle each of those areas. And I need to watch less TV in the evening and go to bed at a reasonable time. I need to put my phone down more, it sucks up time like a sponge and as much as I love a good random chat on Twitter what I need to do is walk away after I have had that chat and get on with some real stuff.
If you have followed this rambling post to it’s conclusion please let me know what you think. I need a virtual kick up the bum I think!