Finding my way again

November 14, 2011

In my PND group last week we were talking about expectations and positive and negative thoughts and how you may say and think one thing but if you take the time to examine it then you realise that actually you are wrong.

One thing I have said over and over to Mr C in the past few months is that ‘I don’t get anything done on the days that I am with Piran and Kate all day’ (Tuesdays and Thursdays). Now before people lynch me I know that there are many people out there that do the full time stay at home thing with two and more children all the time but I am talking about me here, and how I cope.

When I talked about this in group I set myself a homework to actually take note of what I did on these days. I feel like I don’t achieve anything but the truth is that on those days the house gets very untidy and I rarely manage to clear the kitchen and do the washing up before Mr C gets home.

So last Thursday I wrote a list of everything I did all day. It was pages and pages long and it made me realise that if I lower my expectations a little (why do we expect so much of ourselves?) then more of my days will be a good day.

For weeks I have been going to group and the two other ladies say that they are feeling positive and that they are getting better and I drag myself in feeling like I am getting worse and that I am always bringing the group down. But I am now thinking that if I lower my standards then more of my days will be good days and I will feel better.

It really is already working. I didn’t do the dishes or tidy up on Thursday last week but I did get two children dressed, fed and out of the house twice. I did a bit of laundry and played with my children. I was tired and stressed but overall it was a good day. And since I lowered my standards a little there have been more and more good days. Accepting that a bad hour doesn’t ruin a day has helped a lot as well.

Finally I feel that the good days are outnumbering the bad. I do feel like the fog is lifting somewhat and I have the sparks of a bit of energy to expend on something other than just getting through the day. I feel a bit inspired and a bit silly. I have noticed myself laughing a little, and teasing Mr C. Behaviours that I didn’t miss when they were gone but am shocked when I find myself doing them again. I sat and wrote my love letter to myself and it reminded me of more of these things. Like the fact I love animal socks and comedy dancing. I know I still have a long way to go but I feel like I am looking up, not down for the first time in a long time.

With clarity comes some sadness and regret. That my darling husband has had to deal with all of this. That I have perhaps not been playing with my children as much as I should have. Details, like the fact that at Kate and Piran’s Christening I didn’t get pictures of them with their godparents. I am really upset about that. I really was in a state back then.

But there is no point dwelling on the past, it is time to look towards the future. And the future is all sparkly and Christmassy so that is a winner. It is our first Christmas at home since we became a family and my mum and stepdad are coming to stay. The inlaws will be here too and I really hope that it is a special time. I am taking back control of me. I have lost 15.5lbs and gone from a size 16 to a size 14. Today I packed up all my size 16 clothes and put them in storage bags with my summer clothes. If I haven’t had to get them down from the loft by next summer I will get rid of them.

I am also trying to get myself organised and back on track, with the blog and with life. I have many reviews to write so I may be posting one every day or two until they are cleared. I also have a couple of posts that I really want to write (this was one of them) as well as the Make it Monday posts so it might be a bit busy round here!

Because I don’t really like a post without a photo, but I don’t have one that goes with this post I have these two instead. Firstly, my MIL bought round some old pictures of Mr C and his sister and I made this little collage last night. I think they look so alike!

Secondly it is my wonderful Mum’s birthday today so I thought I would put my favourite recent picture of her too.

Thank you all for all the love and support that you have shown me over the past few months. Every comment, every tweet means the world to me and I cannot imagine what my life would have been like if I didn’t have such a wonderful amount of support.

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