Need to get this out, not a cheerful post.
Wow, this is all so strange. We are glad to be home and starting to get to grips with certain parts of this (nappy changing speed has increased daily!)
I am overflowing with happiness but this has not been easy at all. The induction process was long, painful, frustrating and ultimately ended in a labour so far removed from my birth plan I cannot process it. Then, within 7 hours my baby was alone in the SCBU because he had bile stained vomits. Mr C had gone home, and I was bedridden. By far the worst night of my life as I waited in bed for updated from the midwife and the doctors. 48 hours of nil by mouth, and soul destroying hours of waiting to see if he would be transferred to Brighton, knowing that due to the blood loss I was too unwell to go with him. Unable to hold my baby, feed or bond with my baby. Desperately trying to hand express colostrum to give to the baby if they said I could getting 0.2ml at a time.
The nursery ward was hot and I am anemic so could only stay for 10 minutes at a time. Seeing him with drips and tubes and antibiotics.
Being told that we needed to give him more milk than I could produce and practically throwing formula down him so that I could feel he was getting food, and ultimately come off the drip.
Eventually came my chance to learn to breastfeed. The difficulty of the shift changes and nurses and different advice every second. Being poked and prodded, and having a baby that screamed for his dinner but wouldn’t help himself. Being told that the baby had been poorly, that he needed breastmilk to get better. I cannot describe the pressure.
Knowing that my baby was fine, that we just needed to get home and having to beg our way out of hospital.
We were allowed home on Thursday and things are so much better. I have lost the plot loads, I have so many regrets, but he makes it all worthwhile. Mr C goes back to work tomorrow, all paternity leave used up. Hence the twitter account for the little man, @Squigler0 so Dad can know what we have been doing.
I am not breastfeeding, for many reasons, a whole post on it’s own. I am expressing as much milk as I can, giving it by bottle and giving him formula afterwards if he is still hungry. He is newborn but big and has an appetite I cannot live up to, and he gets so frustrated we cannot learn what to do. He is big and strong and fights me all the way, hurting me and frustrating me as he went. The first time we gave him a bottle I saw a full satisfied look ok his face and it was an amazing feeling. He seems happy, he has the required about if wet and dirty nappies and although it means more work for me and is time consuming every drop counts and I know my milk will run out soon but I like to think that I have given him the best start I could without killing myself in the process.
Since coming home I have ended up agreeing to go out or have visitors when I would rather wait. That stops here. I only started bonding with my baby three days ago, and we don’t know each other yet. My plans for no visitors was ruined by circumstance but I know I should be grateful he is well.
Anyway, he is waking and Mr C is feeding (bonus of bottles) so I am going to lie down and hope that by writing this I can let go a little and sleep.
Blogging will be sporadic but Twitter is my lifeline @dancinfairy if you don’t already follow me.