I was doing really well at blogging, and then the summer began and as usual everything just slides. I find it frustrating because I want to be present here, writing and recording everything that I am doing, everything that is happening. It helps me and I need it but if I cannot find the time it just becomes another thing that I feel disappointed about not managing.
Today is day 3 of 43 of the school holidays and I know from experience that I rarely get chance to blog in the break from school and routine. So I am hoping to write a couple of posts and then I will mostly be away for the next 40 days!
A week ago I had a very bad morning at the end of a very bad week and I completely lost it. I ranted and raved, screamed and shouted, threw things, cried and tried to run away. Some part of my brain steered me to the back garden not out the front door (I like to think that I would have stopped being the only adult here, but at that moment I cannot be sure). My heart was pounding, the adrenaline was racing through me and I just wanted to run and run and run. Instead I sat and cried and cried and then took the kids to school and myself to the doctor and have started taking antidepressants again. The sad truth is that I am really struggling to manage my temper when I am around other people and so I need a little help.
Depression takes many forms and usually for me it is feeling useless and inert. So this is very different this is a lot of pent up feelings and a temper that goes from 1-10 in seconds. I need to be calmer. I was worrying about the fact I seem to be unable to be a parent without medication on Instagram and some lovely people gave me a proper talking to and they are right – if I had anything else wrong with me I would take medication to make my life manageable. This is an illness, a chemical imbalance and that is all. It needs to be managed like everything else. And so right now I am just hanging on in there until the tablets start to have an effect. Thankfully today is Mr C’s last day of work for 2 weeks and that will help a lot.
There are things I can do that will help – walking, not taking on too much, not being afraid to rearrange plans if I am not feeling right, asking for help. Some are easier in the holidays than others. I will just do my best to look after myself and take one day at a time.
I feel that the first step to making it through this summer is to be completely honest about how I am feeling and what life is actually like. I don’t have time to blog, (or the ability when we are on holiday) but I couldn’t live without Instagram. I am so looking forward to recording our summer, but I want it to be a complete record, and so for the last two days I have been adding a ‘keeping it real’ section to my captions. My pictures have been happy kids playing in water and cuddling baby chicks but I want to remember the behind the scenes too. If you don’t follow me on Instagram I am Kellyfairy – I would love to see you over there.