I am bored.
Bored of how predictable how I feel is. Bored of feeling like this. Bored of being this way. Bored of just getting by. Bored of waiting for it to get better. Bored of Postnatal Depression.
My very logical brain spells it out for me. There is no ‘normal’ with PND. There is no specific length of time that people have it for. I know that this week of the month is the bad week. The week that all I can do is get through the days and sit on the sofa at night, turning a blind eye to the mess and the chaos. When I am devoid of any spark, any life. I know that this is as bad as it gets and in a few days I will have forgotten what this is like and that I will pick up my sewing again, tidy the house and feel more in control. I am sensible enough to know that the way I act and feel at this time is not the real me.
But it doesn’t stop me feeling worthless and useless. Like how I am will affect my children. That I have done something wrong, that I have made my children behave the way that they do.
I get so annoyed at myself but even that feels like too much effort so I switch off, turn everything down. I shuffle through the days and my heart aches through the nights. I can sleep and sleep and sleep (if the children let me) but I can never get enough to feel rested.
I am sure that if I cast my eyes back through my blog over the last few months you will see the patterns reflected there too. Terrible frustrating depressing posts when I feel like this, more light and love and hope during the other weeks of the month. And here I am again. I want someone to tell me when this will end. When will it be over? When can I start to feel like I am living my life the way that it is meant to be not with this horrible illness hanging over my head. People rarely ask me how I feel these days. I probably wouldn’t want them to anyway but part of me is inside screaming ‘THIS ISN’T ANY BETTER, IT ISN’T GETTING EASIER. I AM STILL A GODDAMN MESS. WHY DON’T PEOPLE SEEM TO CARE ANYMORE?’ I know that that isn’t fair. That plenty of people care but well there is only so many times you can have the same conversations without it getting dull.
I am a planner. I have always been a planner. I am anxious when I don’t know all the details of everything that I am going to be doing for the foreseeable future and that is why I am so fed up of this. I want to know when this crazy ride will stop so I get the hell off. I know that is impossible, but it doesn’t stop me wanting it. How long does Postnatal Depression last? I guess I thought about it in months because when babies are around everything is months. Now I think that perhaps I will be counting in years instead. It has been more than one year, so maybe two. Please no more than that.
How long does Postnatal Depression last?
How long is a piece of string?*
* half double the distance between the two ends