Yours Truly

How long is a piece of string?

September 18, 2012

I am bored.

Bored of how predictable how I feel is. Bored of feeling like this. Bored of being this way. Bored of just getting by. Bored of waiting for it to get better. Bored of Postnatal Depression.

My very logical brain spells it out for me. There is no ‘normal’ with PND. There is no specific length of time that people have it for. I know that this week of the month is the bad week. The week that all I can do is get through the days and sit on the sofa at night, turning a blind eye to the mess and the chaos. When I am devoid of any spark, any life. I know that this is as bad as it gets and in a few days I will have forgotten what this is like and that I will pick up my sewing again, tidy the house and feel more in control. I am sensible enough to know that the way I act and feel at this time is not the real me.

But it doesn’t stop me feeling worthless and useless. Like how I am will affect my children. That I have done something wrong, that I have made my children behave the way that they do.

I get so annoyed at myself but even that feels like too much effort so I switch off, turn everything down. I shuffle through the days and my heart aches through the nights. I can sleep and sleep and sleep (if the children let me) but I can never get enough to feel rested.

I am sure that if I cast my eyes back through my blog over the last few months you will see the patterns reflected there too. Terrible frustrating depressing posts when I feel like this, more light and love and hope during the other weeks of the month. And here I am again. I want someone to tell me when this will end. When will it be over? When can I start to feel like I am living my life the way that it is meant to be not with this horrible illness hanging over my head. People rarely ask me how I feel these days. I probably wouldn’t want them to anyway but part of me is inside screaming ‘THIS ISN’T ANY BETTER, IT ISN’T GETTING EASIER. I AM STILL A GODDAMN MESS. WHY DON’T PEOPLE SEEM TO CARE ANYMORE?’ I know that that isn’t fair. That plenty of people care but well there is only so many times you can have the same conversations without it getting dull.

I am a planner. I have always been a planner. I am anxious when I don’t know all the details of everything that I am going to be doing for the foreseeable future and that is why I am so fed up of this. I want to know when this crazy ride will stop so I get the hell off. I know that is impossible, but it doesn’t stop me wanting it. How long does Postnatal Depression last? I guess I thought about it in months because when babies are around everything is months. Now I think that perhaps I will be counting in years instead. It has been more than one year, so maybe two. Please no more than that.

How long does Postnatal Depression last?

How long is a piece of string?*

 

 

* half double the distance between the two ends

 

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2 Comments

  • Reply Littlejo September 19, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Wow reading this is like reading out of my own brain. I suffer with post natal depression too but I believe I have come out of the other side. I have regained control of my life and for the most part I feel like I have beaten it. However, there always seems to be one week of the month where I am just empty, and lethargic, and just constantly guilt ridden. I don’t do enough for her, my partner has to do too much for me, I’m not teaching her enough, it’s my fault her hair is so crazy (seriously lol!)

    You might not want to hear this but I don’t believe any one truly gets over depression. At the worst of times you feel like there’s no light at the tunnel. You want to believe your rational self that things will be fine tomorrow, and that it is just taking over again but when you’re in that “moment” you kind of feel like you’ll never be happy again. I embrace it. I’ve got to the point where even though I feel like I’m surrounded by doom, my rational brain is just loud enough to say, “hey, do you realise how hard you work?? So there might be other mums who bathe their kids every.single.day. And change their bed sheets every other day. And never feed their kids stuff you chuck in the oven out of the freezer. And their kids hair isnt a fluffy mess of curls. Who f….. Cares!? Your kid is happy!”

    It’s enough now that I can embrace it and if I feel like veging out on the sofa with a film then that’s what I’ll do. I do still feel guilty but if she’s bored she’ll go get a book or play with her toys. I just have to look at her and remember, she is warm, happy, loved, and not hungry. Sometimes I will cry because I feel so selfish for thinking Ooooh poor little me in not good enough but that again is just part of it.

    You obviously know that. It sucks when people stop asking and they just nod. I actually have a friend suffering the exact same way and another friend who is just amazing and always seems to know what I’m thinking anyway so I am very lucky they don’t need to ask. But a lot of people when they find out you have PND seem to think they can give an opinion on it like, “oh that’s a shame but you’re ok really, just try to think positive.” personally i don’t need opinions like that. And you know why lol. One friend actually said something to the sound of “I don’t really believe in depression.” she thinks that people have the ability to find their own happiness or some bullshit (sorry) … I don’t really like her very much any more!

    Anyway, sorry about the essay. I just feel compelled to share my story because there’s this massive part of my heart that just feels like I need to when I hear of how other people suffer in the same way because it helps me to feel less alone. Like I said, I don’t think it ever goes because even on my strongest days I can remember how exhausted just getting off the sofa can be. But it keeps me grounded and where I still have those days, I am strong enough now to know that I will never go back to that place, and one day you will be too xxxxxxx

  • Reply Jen aka The Mad House September 19, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Kelly, it will get better, but you have to be kind to yourself. I know that you were feeling a lot better and then took a step back after coming off the medication, however, you are doing really well. You are recognising these feelings, which is a real achievement in its self. Chin up Mrs.

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