I havebn’t written a proper post for months and months. I still look at my blog almost every day and I jump onto all of yours using my links and read and mine just sits there doing nothing.
It is so silly. I miss it like crazy. I have so much stuff in my head that I could write about and really wish that I could.
The problem is that this place is now too close to real life. My readers are my real life friends. I have let my anonymity slip and now I am unable to write about these achingly private things that I want to get out. It is such a catch 22, I am unable to talk about these things to the people in my life so in the past I would turn to my blog, now I am unable to do that because I would be holding my breath every moment waiting for someone that I know to bring something up that has been written here.
I have even been afraid to write this post because I am scared that Paul could read it (I don’t think that he does anymore but there is always that chance) and get scared that there is something wrong between us. For the record there isn’t. He is the most patient undertanding kind man that I have ever met and I tell him everything.
If he is reading it I am sure he now knows what I wish I could write about. He talks to me about it but I still crave an outlet for it all. I guess the attractuion of putting it all here is that I won’t have to see anyone’s reaction or listen to their advice I could just tell them.
Aggh I am totally waffling now. Nothing makes sense at the moment. I feel lost, happy but still like something is missing. I must be crazy. I have the most amazing boyfriend, a beautiful home and I am surrounded by people that love me.
Bizarre, blogger keeps auto saving my post. No getting rid of this even if I wanted to!
The job for team leader at work that I didn’t get 10 months ago is now up for grabs again. My boss is off to pastures new upstairs and after a week of soul searching I have applied again. We will see what happens. Half of me wants it so bad, the other half is curled up in a ball under my duvet with fright.
That reminds me of something. I was waiting for an important call at work yesterday and the phone just wouldn’t ring. I knew that is I left my desk it would so my boss suggested I just pretended that I had left my desk. So I got up, pushed my chair away and got under the desk. I had been in a foul mood but I just couldn’t stop giggling! I was so disappointed when the phone rang less than a minute later. Still I know what will cheer me up from now on. I may do it more often :o)
Feels good to write. Out, out let it all out. These are the things I could do without.
I chose the wrong radio station when I sat down and I cannot be bothered to get up and change the station. I think I am tuned to classic fm but it just seems to be people arguing about the types of buildings in Paris. One woman has a fabulos French accent. It is just background anyway.
Girlie number 1 is staying with us at the moment as she has work locally and commuting to and from London is too much for her. It is nice to have her around but I have been craving solitude for days and days. I am just with people everywhere I go. Anyway, she is going home for the weekend I will have some me time sometime soon. I am hiding in the bedroom and I Paul would usually have come to bed by now but I think he is giving me some space. Bless him.
Girlie number 1 is 30 next month and Girlie number 2 and I got together and bought her half a hectare of rainforest for her birthday. She found out tonight and she is completely over the moon. I love making people that happy!
Long shot but I don’t suppose anyone in the UK would have any interest in 4 tickets to see James Morrison at the Eden Project on Monday 2nd July? I got my dates all mixed up and now have tickets I cannot use and I need to try and sell them.
Right I have a numb bottom and I am shattered so I am going to get me some beauty sleep. It has been nice writing this. We are going to watch Ricky Gervais tomorrow which should be good.