Solitude and guilt

September 30, 2011

I wrote earlier in the week about how I felt I was just going through the motions on Sunday afternoon when I was out for a treat. I talked about it in my PND group on Wednesday and they asked me what things do make me happy.

I preempted what I was about to say with ‘It sounds bad but…’ then stopped myself. They made me start again and say it….’It sounds bad but the times I am happy at the moment is when I am not with my children’. Oh the guilt of saying or writing that is so intense.

It is not strictly true but the moments that I feel happy and at peace at the moment are those when I am alone. If I could do anything just for me at the moment it would be to spend a whole day alone at home, sewing and listening to the radio.

When I said that statement to Mr C he told me that I shouldn’t feel guilty because everyone needs a break. When I said it in group they said that it is okay to feel like that. That we all need time to remind ourselves who we were as an adult before the full time responsibility of being a parent began.

I miss silence. I miss being able to get things done. I miss being creative. I have so many ideas but no time to see them through. I miss having time to rearrange my thoughts into words and then blogging about them. These days it’s all about me, no comments on life or work or the world in general. And that’s okay, but I miss being able to start a discussion, or write a blog post in response to others I have read. I miss the dialogue that creates.

Right now I am sat in Russell Square Gardens in London. It is chaotic and noisy but I am just enjoying the peace that comes with being alone. There is sunshine and a breeze and a fountain and tame squirrels. I am content to sit here and people watch and wonder about who they are and their lives instead of worrying about my own for a while.

At group we were told that when we have a moment to ourselves this week we should do something that makes us happy. This is an exceptional situation, as I am child free for 24 hours so this doesn’t count. So at some point when Kate is happy sleeping or playing I will try and do something creative, no matter how small to make me feel like me again.

Today however I am going to check into my hotel, have a sleep and a shower and get ready for the MAD blog awards this evening. I’m so very nervous about the whole thing but I know I have friends there who will be pleased to see me, and others I am excited to meet for the first time. I’ll let you know how I get on.

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