I’m not going all Carrie on you but…

September 6, 2005

…this is a post about relationships and men!

So I mentioned on Friday night that I was meeting up with Jon on Saturday and that I was a little nervous. Well thanks to my hangover I couldn’t actually get the effort together to be bothered about getting nervous! He came over and we went for lunch on our own and then down the beach for a hour and for a drink with some friends. It was all fine and lovely and normal. Well not straight away but after a while it was great, just like it used to be.

So when he left all was well and then I got a text message from him a couple hours later saying he was going past the pub again and wondered if we were still there. As we were he decided to come in and join us for a drink. Then he just stayed. We had some amazing honest conversations about looking for that special person, all the kind of things we used to talk about before. I knew I had missed him but not exactly what I had missed.

Anyway, we all moved on to the pub next to my flat and then one by one everyone left. So it was just the two of us. No problems, no awkward silences, nothing. Or actually that is a lie. There was definately ‘something’. Last orders came and went and we left the pub and he told me that he wanted to stay. He said that he didn’t want anything to happen between us he just wanted the company and someone to wake up with. This is what we did before we got together, we used to spend most nights at the weekend together, sharing a bed but nothing more than the odd cuddle.

I knew the minute we got into the house that if he stayed then something would happen. He did and it did.

The night was amazing, the best we ever had togther.

We woke up on Sunday and it was great. He didn’t run away, just hung out with me most of the day. We both agreed that our brains were still intact and that it hadn’t fucked us over but nothing has changed, we are not getting back together, we had a fantastic night and that was that. We joked that now the pressure was off we are back to having a really great time together.

I’ve been wanting to write this post for two days but I have not been able to. Until today I had an ephiphany whilst out the back this evening. What I said about the pressure being off is the key. When we got together we were just hanging out spending a lot of time together and getting on so well and suddenly there was this spark and we tried to ignore it but then we kissed and it felt amazing.

The problem was the circumstances that happened in. We were staying in Cornwall at our respective parents and for the first time in months we had to spend the nights apart. I am beginning to think that if it had happened here when we could have gone home together then we might have woken up in the morning and thought wow that was nice. But I am not sure that we would have decided that if this was going to happen it had to be serious. I think we might have just said that was nice and it would be great if it happens again – no big deal.

There was suddenly all this pressure and it freaked me out. He is really intense in relationships and if I am honest that TOTALLY freaked me out. I am very independent these days and very fierce about my personal space as well as getting totally freaked out and easily angry when I feel crowded.

So really what I am trying to say is that I think that Jon and I should have stayed friends that occasionally hooked up. What we turned into was serious relationship doomed for disaster.

The thing is I don’t think that we can go back to being just friends. But I need him in my life. So do you think that we could just be friends that hook up every now and then? Who knows? I will keep you posted though.

Ok now I’m going all Carrie…

…When you have past that line between friendship and more can you ever go back?

(Ok I am not so good at the endless questions and delberating about men but can I have her clothes and shoes?)


  • Reply Léonie September 6, 2005 at 10:32 am

    Wow.. I am EXACTLY the same as you by the sounds of it – the fierce independence thing. I find it impossible not to be. Could you keep it casual? How far away does he live from you. It sounds like you guys are amazing together, but if anything were to happen it would have to be taken REALLY slow and with nil pressure.
    What’s your gut instinct?
    Oh, and you missed the obligatory “later that night I got to thinking” line.

  • Reply *~**E**~* September 7, 2005 at 5:09 am

    Wow – I would like to think you can, but I don’t think I can! I suppose it depends on how you get into the situation, but once I like someone and then something happens – no going back!

    If you figure it out let me know 🙂
    I’m sure you’ll be fine!!

  • Leave a Reply