I feel this blog is all pictures at the moment, no words, no substance.
I have been on a roller coaster of highs and lows recently. There was the low of being sick at the same time as Piran when Mr C was away for a whole week on business. That was hard, some of the hardest days and nights since I became a mum. Then there was a high at the end of last week where I rode the wave of productivity making and baking and creating and sewing and sorting out Christmas and getting organised. Then there was the crashing low of this week, the sinus infection that has me flat on my back on painkillers that make me feel like I am being smothered by an invisible cloud. It was made so much harder by the juxtaposition of feeling better than I had in weeks followed swiftly by the pain and frustration of being ill yet again.
I feel the baby though, the last few days. I feel it dance upon my bladder. I feel it in the rare quiet moments of my day. As I slip into sleep at night, as I slowly come round in the morning. I feel it now, down near the edge of the laptop. It is real. It is there. Even when I am alone I am not.
Being pregnant the second time is the same but different. There is very little time to daydream and imagine our new baby. But in snatched moments I am able to imagine better this time too. So I can wonder if this baby will be like the one I already know, how will they differ, will it be better or worse. Will it be a girl or a boy. I hate people asking me what I want. I want two children obviously.
There was a wonderful moment of clarity a week or so ago though that cut through the difficulty and hardship. I received a delivery of a carry cot to go on my Xplory and couldn’t resist putting it together straight away. As I set it down on the floor and tucked the soft, small blanket into it I felt that rush of excitement and happiness that filled my weeks and days before Piran arrived. I am going to have a baby. A soft and beautiful individual child who will want and need and love me. And I get to want and need and love them back.