Tis the season to have jolly highs and crashing lows. Winter, the stress if Christmas and visitors, two young over excited children, parenting with an audience, no sleep, critical mothers and comments from others. All this has added up to a couple of meltdowns on my part.
People are treating me like normal which is nice but to be honest I am not back to normal, I still have PND and the truth of the matter is that I am hyper sensitive to any sort of criticism at the moment. I sure as hell can’t take a joke. I am delicate and easily wounded. I am angry and moody and depressed and scratchy.
Why does family bring out the worst in you? Isn’t that sad? Usually I only have to be around my parents for a few short hours before I’m reverting to stroppy teenager mode. But I’m an adult and a mother.
I can’t take my anger out on those people that cause it, as they are guests in our house so I end up being annoyed at Mr C (who does go along with a lot just to be polite but I tar with the same brush as the others usually unfairly). I also have less patience with Piran which is not fair.
I’ve ended up making decisions and second guessing myself on how to handle situations and then I get so annoyed at myself because it all goes wrong and I should’ve known better. Trust myself, trust my instincts.
Unfortunately a stomach virus took my parents out of action by 11pm Christmas Eve so all our plans were cancelled and people stayed away for fear of getting sick and so it was a bit of an odd day. We did eventually have Christmas dinner at 6pm in the evening with just us and the children were happy with their presents but it just felt frustrating for me. All the worrying and organising and thinking I did was pointless. We have a lot of turkey to eat. I over ordered the veg too and then only had half the number if guests so there is a lot of soup in our future.
I felt dreadful last night, there were tears and frustration and good friends who were there to listen to me offload. This morning I was still in a crappy mood but a day spent with just Mr C and our gorgeous amazing children has centred me and made me feel more like myself.
There is a lot of uncertainly in our future at the moment, my impeding return to work comes closer and closer. All of this weighs on my mind and makes me feel under pressure. I need to shut it from my mind and just concentrate on now. The next few hours, the next few days. Enjoy the end of 2011 before worrying about 2012.