Inside my head

April 2, 2010

Well it would appear that the blog issues I was having started when I installed Disqus. It has all been fixed thanks to Violet Posy & her wonderful husband but I’m not sure what to do re comments. As it is fixed and Disqus is working & I like it I think I shall just leave everything well alone for now.

The whole experience has given me real food for thought though. I was shocked by my reaction to it not working, about how much it mattered to me. I will hold my hands up and admit that I have heard other people in the past going on about their broken blogs on Twitter or in posts and I can remember thinking that they should get sone perspective, lighten up a little. I have now been in their shoes and understand that when it happens it can feel that bad.

I have come to realise recently that the inside of my head can be quite a twisted and judgemental place. It makes me sick to my stomach if I am honest but it is true. I hear something someone says and I think it cannot be that bad, or they shouldn’t do it that way, or get frustrated at someone because I think their opinion is wrong. I never say these things out loud, I never act in any way that would hint to my feelings or opinions on the matter. I regularly tell myself off internally for the bitchy thoughts and judgemental nature I seem to have developed.

I know this has always been part of me in some way or other but since becoming a mum it seems to have gotten worse. Perhaps there is just more fodder for this side of me these days? Decisions on how to raise a child, how they eat or sleep. Routines and styles of parenting. We make these choices every day, and what works for one child will not work for another. All of this gives us a million subjects everyday that we feel we have a valid opinion on.

I am learning to be more tolerant I hope. Some days I have to step away from Twitter or blogs because the things I read makes my blood boil. Stupid, inconsequential things that are not worth any kind of time or effort on my part. Who am I to judge how others choose to live their life?

I wonder if it is just me, or if other people’s internal monologues can occasionally tend towards the unacceptable? Do you have any internal traits like that? Do you censor yourself or are you exactly the same on the outside as the inside?

Note: seems the settings on my blog are not quite right so I have blogger comments on this post. I’m writing this from my phone so can’t get Disqus to work tonight. Not sure what to do now!

4 Comments

  • Reply Livi April 2, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    I wish I could self censor! I do to a certain extend I suppose, but sadly a lot of my judgemental opinions come straight out my mouth, totally bypassing my brain!
    I know exactly how you feel though, I get so irate sometimes over things that I know I should just let go and say “it's just a different way of doing things”, but I'm definitely a “my way or the highway” person because I know my way works!

  • Reply TheMadHouse April 3, 2010 at 10:31 am

    I am my own harshest critic and that is why the depression I had took hold so hard and fast, I am self judgemental, self bullying and self critical. very Dangerous indeed.

    But I am a lot better nowadays.

    Plus I would read you no matter what you put!! I have blogged about the swap today

  • Reply Muddling Along Mummy April 8, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    I know what you mean about sometimes needing to step away – ignoring is harder than you think

    Glad you sorted out your techy issues (we're running a technophobes training club over at mine if you're interested in sharing with us)

  • Reply theadventuresoflactatinggirl.com April 11, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    The whole thing about baby-led weaning is that you're not supposed to rush it. He's not required to eat x amount of food a day. I know it's hard not to worry, but think of this–have you ever seen a 5 year old that can't eat solids? No. He will eventually eat them.

    Good job mama!

  • Leave a Reply

    Inside my head

    January 27, 2010

    Any minute now he is going to come into the room and start on me. I just know it. He will come in and have a go about the dishes not being done. He will come in and say that I have to get off my fat backside and go and do the dishes because he cooked. Well forget it. I am just doing to list everything else that I have done today. The fact that since this morning I have been picking up after him, from the wet towels left on the bed and the clothes in a pile from last night. I have worked all day as well. So he will have a go about the dishes and I will tell him what I have done. It won’t be good enough though. No matter how much else I have done he always sticks to that bloody rule. I will tell him that I will do the dishes in the morning when I don’t feel so tired. Then he will just go and bloody do them anyway, just to wind me up and make me feel bad. Well it is not going to work. I refuse to feel bad. But what if he ends up hating me? He could leave me. I don’t want him to leave me, although I wouldn’t blame him because I am so lazy. If he is mad I will be nice and hope he forgives me. Perhaps I should do the dishes so he doesn’t leave? Perhaps he is just waiting for an excuse to leave anyway. I knew this was all too good to be true. He thinks that I am lazy and he has had enough and if I start an argument about what I have done for him today and if I don’t put in the effort and do the dishes he will finally have the excuse to leave me that he has been waiting for. I knew it was all a lie, no one could want to be with lazy useless me. Well, if he is going to leave anyway I cannot be bothered to do the dishes. I swear if he leaves I will just climb into bed and never get out.

    He walks into the room “I’m going to do this dishes, would you like a cup of tea?”

    I wish I could say that this is a fictional situation but unfortunately this is what my hormones do to me once a month. Not just with Mr C but  have these fictional arguments in my head all day every day for days at a time. It is very tiring and I am so hard on myself. 

    Disclaimer: NONE of this is a reflection on Mr C and his character. He is an angel and would never dream of saying anything like this to me. Apart from the part about doing the dishes and making me a cup of tea. 

    This post is my entry for this week’s Writing Workshop – a conversation with myself. Click on the picture and come and join in.

    7 Comments

  • Reply Heather January 28, 2010 at 10:12 am

    I can SO relate to this. i have this arguments in my head all the time, often made up scenarios that leave me feeling exhausted, emotional and mad as hell. You are not alone here. ((hugs))

  • Reply Very Bored in Catalunya January 28, 2010 at 10:54 am

    I also do this (just this morning in fact and also over something equally trivial), God knows why? I have a small word with myself and all is good with the world again.

    We really can be our own worst enemies sometimes can't we!

  • Reply Very Bored in Catalunya January 28, 2010 at 10:55 am

    I also do this (just this morning in fact and also over something equally trivial), God knows why? I have a small word with myself and all is good with the world again.

    We really can be our own worst enemies sometimes can't we!

  • Reply TheMadHouse January 28, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    I think that the negative voices are louder than the positive ones, you have to concentrate really hard to let the positive ones through

  • Reply EmmaK January 28, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    I can so relate to this. Why do our hormones drive us so crazy and why can we not stop being so irrational at the time of the month?

  • Reply Victoria January 28, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    I do this too. Tell myself these horrible things. I found this week's prompt really hard to write (I did the same one) but what I'm loving about it, is that we all have these horrible voices in our heads, but by writing them down, and other people commenting, we realise that they are normal, part and parcel of being us. And we are not alone. It's a great post.

  • Reply Josie January 29, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Oh yes! I so do this. I build up huge arguments in my head over stupid things. I worry he's thinking this, that this is a problem, that he hates being with me! And then, the mood passes, I SEE my husband, for what he really is, and I realise how irrational I have been.

    Thank you for being honest and sharing this, I think so many of us will be able to relate to it xx

  • Leave a Reply