Live, Yours Truly

It’s not fair

December 11, 2012

I remember once when I was a teenager a friend drew cartoons of our group of friends and each had their own catchphrase or thing they said the most.

Mine was “It’s not fair”.

At the time I remember thinking that label wasn’t fair but deep down I knew it was actually quite accurate. As a child I was a whinger and a complainer. I definitely heard the words “Life’s not fair” many many times.

As I’ve got older I’ve grown up and most of the times I keep the smile on my face and look on the brighter side of life. Even though I have PND I am definitely the most cheerful person around these parts most days. A fact I’ve pointed out to Mr C on a couple of occasions.

But tonight. In the middle of the night, 1.44am to be precise. In the third bad night in a row. When Piran is ill and upset and Kate just won’t bloody sleep for some unknown reason. Now I want to rant and rave with all of those it’s not fairs.

It’s not fair that I can’t remember my last full nights sleep. It’s not fair that your babies sleep and mine don’t. It’s not fair that my second baby cried and cried so much that I felt like she didn’t love me. It’s not fair that I still have postnatal depression 19 months after Kate was born. It’s not fair that instead of coming off medication I am increasing it. It’s not fair that I can’t manage to keep this house in order. It’s not fair that everywhere I look I see failure, the chaos, the mess.

It’s not fair that my productive work day just didn’t happen today because my boy was ill. It’s not fair that he wouldn’t let me try and do a little bit of work. It’s not fair that once they were in bed I was too tired to do any writing or any work. It’s not fair that I am now wound up and anxious because I worry about how much I have to do.

It’s not fair that I don’t have the energy or free time to devote to the things that I love to do. It’s not fair that my mum lives 300 miles away when I feel I need her so much. It’s not fair that the majority of people that I have a real connection with live all over the bloody country. Its not fair that my shyness and anxiety make me avoid situations where I might make new friends.

It’s not fair that I’ve hardly spent any time with my husband this year. It’s definitely not fair that the one afternoon we had together was spoiled by him having to go to work. It’s not fair that he has to work so much and so hard.

It’s not fair that I am too tired to do anything about the way that I feel. It’s not fair that I can’t find the time to spend reading the books that were recommended or doing the exercises to help me help myself get better.

Writing this all down, I can see how silly a lot of this sounds. Perhaps those things aren’t very fair but I should count my blessings and see life as it is. We are so fortunate. We have our health, two wonderful children, a beautiful home, many material things, and each other.

But once in a while I think it’s just nice to let that naive spoiled teenager out of her box and just get it all out.

And then, if my kids will ever let me, I can get some sleep.

20121211-020117.jpg

You Might Also Like

9 Comments

  • Reply Midlife Singlemum December 11, 2012 at 7:38 am

    Life’s not fair. Sorry, couldn’t resist. You’re right, it’s not fair and you’re allowed to say so every so often. I hope things get fairer for us all in the coming year xx.

    • Reply Kelly December 11, 2012 at 2:51 pm

      I asked for that.

      Thank you for your comment and yes, lets hope that 2013 is a bit better for everyone. Or that the world really does end in a few days time. Either would work.

  • Reply Make do mum December 11, 2012 at 11:31 am

    I don’t think it sounds silly. I went to a baby group with E for the first time and as I was talking about how he’s only slept through ONCE in his whole life, another mum smugly told me how her baby already sleeps right through. That’s not fair. (I *might* have been secretly wishing that teething means she’ll be up ALL night in the not too distant future with huge eyebags for good measure).

    Chin up lovely, you are doing a fine job and rant away if it helps x

    • Reply Kelly December 11, 2012 at 2:50 pm

      I think you had every right to slap her smug face. Or just get her address and I will send her my two for a couple of days.

      Thanks lovely. Lets rant in person after Christmas x

  • Reply Getting out | A place of my own December 11, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    […] getting everything off my chest last night I woke after 3.5 hours sleep feeling half dead but determined to move on and find a way to get […]

  • Reply Jen aka The Mad House December 12, 2012 at 10:00 pm

    It inst silly. it really is sometimes a spiral of things. Is Mr C away anymore? Perhaps you might contemplate a cleaner or someone to help keep you on top of things as you are pretty much a single mum sometimes.

    • Reply Kelly December 17, 2012 at 10:45 am

      Thanks Jen. Mr C is back but working all day and most evenings. Things will be better in January I hope.

  • Reply Lucia December 14, 2012 at 8:47 pm

    I know what you mean. My two do not sleep well and I often think if they slept from 7pm til 7am as it seems so many do, then I would be a totally different person. I have slept through the night approximately 5 times in the last 4 years.
    I have a personal list of ‘it’s not fair’ all of my own which I will not bore you with here, and it was good to read yours too! x

    • Reply Kelly December 17, 2012 at 10:47 am

      It is nice to know I am not alone, although I do wish that it changes for you and you get some sleep too. I think having two kids makes it almost impossible to get a full night, there is always something up with one or the other of them.

    Leave a Reply