I knew that I wouldn’t get time to blog when it was the summer holidays but I didn’t realise that doing so would make it so hard to get back into the swing of things. All of the sudden it is another school holiday and free time is a distant dream again.
Right now I am in the limbo where you don’t know which clocks have changed and which haven’t. I actually have no idea what time it is right now. The kids are happily watching the TV though and I have hidden away in our new computer corner to hopefully tap out an actual post for my blog about ME. I have a head cold this weekend and I am feeling really run down. Happily though Mr C is home and his planned week away with work has become a week working in the UK which is a lovely surprise. The thought of a solo half term was a very depressing one.
This strange feeling caused by the changing of the clocks is very familiar actually. It is almost exactly how I have been feeling for the past six weeks or so. On the 10th September I took my last antidepressant. Since then I have been tablet free. After three whole years of taking them it is a strange feeling. I spend my time thinking about my reactions to things, trying to work out if my feelings are okay or am I headed face first back down that spiral again. It is hard to explain how that feels. Every time I lose my temper and shout at the children I worry that I have no patience any more because I have stopped taking them. It is true that I used to be the calmest person in the house and now perhaps I am not. I am not sure however that is a bad thing, children need to learn that we all have extremes of feeling and that these need to be dealt with.
It is clear when I stop to write about it though that I am really doing okay. I organised and ran a really successful Nearly New Sale for the village toddler group. I didn’t freak out or panic at all. I was nervous and best left alone for the 24 hours before the sale but that was normal nerves. I did show up, do everything that needed to be done, stand up for myself where needed, get up in front of everyone and talk to a big group of people. This IS a big thing for me and really helps me see how far I have come. I am volunteering and getting involved more in our life in this village. I have joined two committees and I really like feeling part of something.
But the old demons remain. Mostly it shows itself in paranoia. I spend a lot of time worrying that people don’t want to be my friend they are just doing so to be polite. I withdraw a bit – I am afraid to be the one to initiate plans in case I am forcing people to do things with me. I withdraw from social media a bit. The thing with that is, if you aren’t there starting conversations then it is easy to feel that no one talks to you. Which is just plain silly and I know that this is all in my head but I struggle anyway. I tried to talk to my mum about this when I saw her in September and she laughed and told me very firmly that I clearly have a lot of friends. And she is right, somehow I just have to turn off or drown out that voice in my head that says different.
I still very clearly have good days and bad days. I have had a couple of disappointments recently and these things really knock me for six and leave me feeling mixed up and angry for days even weeks. Isn’t it sad how the actions of one person can completely ruin what was one of the proudest moments of my recent life. I have to let it go, but it is hard. More recently thanks to a communication issue my beautiful Christmas stockings are featured in Ideal Home’s Guide to Christmas this year but my details are not in the magazine. I don’t have a copy of the magazine yet but I have seen the picture and they look amazing. I just have to focus on them being in there being a wonderful achievement and let go of the lost marketing opportunity.
Just like these disappointments I need to put the last few years, and my mental state during that time behind me and let go. I need to stop comparing every up and down. If I am constantly looking for signs of being depressed then of course I will find them. I need to wipe my slate clean, take a bad day as a one off, and really notice the good days. If I take the time to do that I won’t have time for any of these silly thoughts to embed themselves and cause trouble. Life is good. We are happy and healthy. We have two wonderful children. We have a lovely house. I am lucky that I don’t have to work, I can be here when I am needed. I have the luxury of free time to be creative. Life is great.