I have lots of little bits that I wanted to say – can’t be bothered to do a post for each one so here they are with headings and everything!!!
Authors Note: Mouldy – if you take the piss or tell ANYONE this I swear I will tell the story about the conversation we had in Sailors in Newquay when you were pissed. On my blog and to EVERYONE I meet!
So last night was date 7 and I was beginning to think that it was time to have “The Conversation”. We had a great evening – I cooked dinner at his, we went to the pub, we laughed and swapped stories and all the way through I was thinking “How do I bring this up? I don’t want to scare him off”. Then in passing he mentioned a conversation he had had with a friend in which he had referred to me as his ‘girlfriend’. Still I couldn’t do it!
A little while later (sparing you the um….details) we were lying in bed chatting and we had the following conversation:
Fairy: Can I ask you something a bit silly?
Fairy: Promise you won’t laugh?
P: Not a chance
Fairy: Um…well I was um…wondering if um… you would like to be my boyfriend?
P: *Laughing* I’d love to.
Fairy: *Big Smile and sings* I’ve got a boyfriend.
See when I write it down – uber embarrassing – at the time it was just funny!
This is the first Valentines Day in years that I have had a boyfriend and he has been in the same country as me. Unfortunately it is also my Nanna’s funeral that day. The completely shallow self aborbed part of me is screaming “Bloody hell I will spend Valentines Day with my Dad, wearing black and crying – it’s the worst thing ever”. See I’ll be going along to hell when I die but at least I am honest about it!
So after the above conversation we had another that went like this:
Fairy: Um…(do you see a pattern forming here?)…what do you think about Valentines Day in general?
P: Well it’s on February the 14th and…..
Fairy: Ha ha ha. I mean do you think it is incredibley cheesey or what?
P: Well usually I don’t care but this year is different.
Fairy: Well you know that I can’t actually do anything on Valentines Day
P: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that. (ahh sweet)
Fairy: I just wondered if you wanted to go and do something another day? Like a belated Valentines Day?
P: Maybe we will. You just concentrate on getting though next week and we will sort something out.
Now this is very sad! But it had been weighing on my mind. I feel better now it is out in the open. Looking back – just wipe this from your memory – I just want to record it so I don’t forget how sweet he was.
Is it too early on in our ‘relationship’ to send a card? If he is now my boyfriend I guess I should? Why does Valentines Day send normal, intelligent, together people completely insane. I swear they put crap in the water from the 1st of Feb or something.
Do the Shuffle…
I’ve been stuck in a room doing a mind – numbingly boring job for a hour or so, listening to my ipod on shuffle and I thought I would share what it is chucking out at me!
Madness Wings of a Dove
Red Hot Chili Peppers Apache Rose Peacock
Fleetwood Mac You Make loving Fun
Tori Amos Agent Orange
Suzanne Vega Wooden Horse
Suzanne Vega Tired of Sleeping
Howard Shore A Journey in the Dark (LOTR – Fellowship soundtrack)
Red Hot Chili Peppers The Power of Equality
Katie Melua Tiger in the night
Reef Place your hands
At least I had it with me and didn’t just have to listen to silence and the click, click, click of my mouse.
Leonie wrote this post yesterday and I sent her an email with a few thoughts. One of them was the fact that you have to be honest and be yourself in a relationship, no matter how early on it is, otherwise things will always fall apart at some point.
Later last night, as I was talking to P my own words came back to haunt me! He suggested that we could go out with some friends of his (I say some friends, I mean a whole football team!). I said that it sounded like fun and I’d like that. Part of me was screaming “Mayday! Meeting strangers!!!” and I just realised that I had to be honest so I just let him know a bit about my ‘crazy phase’ and the panic attacks and issues that I used to have meeting new people. I explained that it was something I really wanted to do but that he would need to promise me that he would be there to hold my hand.
He was great, really happy that I had told him about it and suggested going to watch them play football first so I might get to meet them a few at a time instead of walking straight into a packed pub! And that he would hold my hand all the time if I needed it!
I am so happy that things are going well with P and I but it’s really hard at the moment. Before I see him, when I am with him, and afterwards I feel really happy. Then all of a sudden my heart crashes to my boots because I remember that am actually sad. It’s really hard going from one to the other. You know things are hard when you laugh and you realise how good it can feel. That’s when you don’t have enough laughter in your life. I’m working on it though, it’s just hard at the moment.
Thank you and goodbye
Wow. I missed this. I haven’t been saying a lot over the last week and I’d forgotten how great it is to empty my head here, makes everything a little clearer. Thanks for listening folks, congratulations if you made it to the end of this post. Just for you here is a smile