The mess I get myself in.

August 14, 2005

God there is too much history for this post to make any sense to anyone but me I expect but you know how it is when you have all these thoughts going round and round in your head and you think that you will actually crack up if you don’t get rid of them. Well That is me right now!

It is all about a man – or men perhaps. With a little girl thrown on too.

Crap, crap, crap!

Ok I met a guy, Sam, 11 years ago when I was at college in Cornwall – he was a friend of my best friend’s boyfriend. Later we became friends and I knew that I liked him a lot but he started going out with Girlie number 1 (yep we’ve been friends that long) and in the end I started going out with his best mate. He broke up with her – I cheated on said boyfriend with him. Boyfriend found out (read my diary – serves him f@*king right) and proceeded to beat the living daylights out of him and broke his jaw. The guy attacked hijm in his sleep for christs sake. Anyway – the thing is I was like 16 and had no idea and there is no way that something like that would happen now I am older and wiser.

So Girlie number 1 not happy – but we got over it and she just ended up with a major resentment problem towards him.

Over the next couple of years we hooked up a lot Sam and I but it kinda finished after college except one blissful weekend we spent together sometime in 1997.

So in the last 8 years I think we have seen each other exactly 5 times. And everytime it is exactly the same the chemistry between us is just electric. I don’t hear from him for months and months and then I get a drunk phonecall or text and we stay in contact from a few weeks and then it fizzles out and it all starts again.

So a couple of weeks ago when I was half pissed I sent him a text message. That night I wrote a rambling post but in it I said this about why I did it:

“Not because I want anything. Just because I know that he lives 300 miles away that we will never hook up and that makes it great. I can flirt and be suggestive and nothing will come of it.”

He didn’t reply for days and then I got a message – and since then we have been texting everyday. Then on Thursday night he sent a message saying that he would be in London and I was feeling reckless and text him back saying that if he had time I would love to catch up.

And now he is probably coming to see me next weekend. Which is great and I do really want to see him but it is so complicated for three reasons –

1) Girlie number 1. She would never let him in the flat. But the thing is that she is on holiday and she did say that he could stay just not if she is ever here.

2) Jon. This one is much more complicated. He knows all my history with Sam and would know why he was here if he found out. Hopefully not a problem as I don’t plan on running into him anytime next weekend but if someone told him he would be hurt and I really don’t want that.

3) I am scared that he will have a shit time, that my life will be dull and boring and a disappointment and he will be rushing to get out of here. Also tied in with this is a very silly thing – the fact that I have put on weight (not a lot but it shows) and what if he doesn’t fancy me anymore.

So.. 1) He can stay and I just won’t tell her. Not lying if she ever finds out I will say that it was a spur of the moment thing. Which it kinda is but with a bit more notice!

2) Tricky. If I was any kind of nice person I suppose I would say that now is a bad time and I don’t want people to get hurt. But at the same time he is really just a friend who I get the chance to see so rarely that I think I would be mad to pass up the chance. I haven’t seen him since March 2004 and I really want to catch up. I think that the only person that would tell Jon would be Girlie number 1 and if she doesn’t know…..

3) Sod all that indulgent crap. If he doesn’t like me he can just leave. I have tricks up my sleeve (get him drunk so he is unable to leave! Ha ha)

Ok so as I said to Matt last week the reason that I got in touch with him was because I wanted to feel that way again. Feel what it is like to have the chemistry, that spark between two people that makes me go weak at the knees and blush on the phone and just generally feels fantastic!

But it is a minefield. And I am so not fooling myself about anything I know that after this I probably will not see him for months and months.

Shitting hell this is totally doing my head in. I cannot cope. This is going to make me all jittery all week. Could make for an interesting weekend though.

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