More mixed up brain drivel!

November 18, 2005

I found this difficult to start and impossible to stop once I was on a roll. It’s another serious-ish post and I will not be offended if you skip it. I promise to be back to my usual randomness sometime next week. Just let me get this all outta my head!

When I wrote that post yesterday I had in mind these other things that I wanted to talk about but was trying to keep it as short as possible. Today I feel like I can’t get that magic back in a way, perhaps that post just exhausted me emotionally (it was actually quite weird reading it back once it was posted, like I was reading about someone else – totally surreal).

I’m not sure what to think now. It was personal but I am an open person and if we were sitting face to face I would happily tell you all about it anyway. Most of my friends already know all that stuff about me so that wouldn’t be a problem if they did read the blog. Most of them don’t even know about it anyway. Or the ones that do wouldn’t know how to find it. That’s why I stick to Dancinfairy I suppose. I know that if you google it you get lots of me (!) but put my name in and there’s nada.

There is nothing in my blog that would upset or offend my friends, I just choose to keep the two bits of my life slightly separate. Blogging crosses over into my real life occasionally and I have no problem with that. At the beginning I kept saying ‘I read somwhere…’ before sharing something funny or insightful that I have read on your blogs but I got fed up of making sure I didn’t blart it out so I have told a few friends that my blog exists but not how to get there. I am happy with that compromise.

Coming back to the post though – I think perhaps looking at it on a page made it look small to me and this has been such a huge part of my life for the past 7 years that it seemed weird to sum it all up in a few paragraphs. I think I just need to accept that explanation was easy, living through it wasn’t and I need to move on.

The whole reason I have been thinking about this recently, and even more so this week is because I spoke to Sam on Monday night. Ah, the unrequited love of our youth eh? It’s crazy but I just feel that I have such a connection with him. I cannot think of anyone else that when I haven’t seen them for over a year I can just pick up the phone and have a conversation like that. Perhaps it is because he reminds me of how I used to feel back then before it all went tits up. Who knows?

The thing that scares me is that he keeps saying that he wants to catch up over Christmas, actually find time to meet up and go for a drink. And I guess that I am just scared that he will realise that I am not the same person that I was, and he will want to know why. So I might have to have that conversation with him and putting it down on paper so to speak has sorted it out in my head a little bit. Got it all in order, after all it was a long time ago!

I am completely mystified about my relationship with him. I used to be in love with him but that was 10 years ago and we were never going to be a couple. But he can still make my knees tremble and my heart feel like it is the size of a football and about to burst right out of my chest. I am sure that if I saw him every week that I wouldn’t feel like that anymore. I just see him so rarely (5 times in the last 8 years or something).

Something else just occoured to me. If I do see him at Christmas I think that it will be the first time in the 8 years that we have both been single. There was always an attraction there and the last time I saw him I was in a bad place with my boyfriend and if I had any less integrity something might well have really happened. The force of my feelings around him scare me but I don’t for a minute imagine that they are real and true. It’s like I squeeze 2 years worth of emotion into a couple of hours and that is why it is so explosive inside. If I saw him every week I’m not so sure I would feel the same.

I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I know how this works, we get in touch, I obssess, we drift apart, I forget about him again for a few months and then the cycle starts again.

I think what I want is for that to stop. A wise person once said to me that the only thing left between me and Sam is unfinished business and more and more I think that they are right. If I could say what I’d really like for Christmas it would be 24 hours worth of completely honesty between us – to get this out in the open and talk about how we felt then. He has hinted before that I was always the thorn in his side when it came to other relationships. I need to know if that is true. I need to know how he felt and feels about me. I want to move on.

The incredibley sad thing about all this is while I obssess about this entire situation, if you asked him about me he would probably say “Kelly, oh yeah, nice girl”.


  • Reply AnonymousCoworker November 18, 2005 at 5:15 pm

    It’s a benefit to be able to think, but it’s a curse (sometimes) to be trapped within our own brains.

  • Reply monkey typist November 20, 2005 at 3:04 pm

    i meant to comment on the big post, read it pre-potential computer loss, i just re-read it and now i dont really know what to say about it…! other than its really great that you can be so open.

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