My greatest fear

November 18, 2009


If you click on the picture it will take you to Josie’s fantastic blog, Sleep is for the Weak. This week is week 5 of the Writing Workshop. It is making a triumphant return after a week off last week. This is my submission this week, I have chosen the last prompt, to write about your biggest fear. I just started writing this, I knew what the first two paragraphs would say and the rest I just wrote and wrote. It didn’t turn out to be what I had expected but I am very happy with it:

I just spent 30 minutes trying to find a post on my old blog. I know it is there somewhere but I cannot find it right now. It was me answering a list of questions and the reason I was looking was because the last question was “What is your greatest fear”.

I had answered that my greatest fear was that I would never be able to have children. There was no rhyme or reason to this, I just knew that I had always wanted to have children one day and that after spending half of my life taking the pill and being so very careful not to get pregnant finding out that I couldn’t have children would have broken my heart.

It is funny, when we started to try for a baby we were so blessed and lucky that I fell pregnant the very first time we tried. Quite literally I think. I was convinced in my mind that it would take me at least 2 years to get pregnant. That positive test result was quite a shock!

Since I picked this prompt when I read Josie’s post on Monday I have been thinking about this and wondering that now this fear has been shown to be completely unfounded do I have a greatest fear? I certainly have worries and concerns but fear? I am not sure that I do. I cannot think of one thing that is too scary and frightening to even think about or contemplate.

I am a nervous person and a worrier by nature but having a child has flicked some sort of switch in me. Like, if I have done this, I can do anything. I attribute a lot of that to my wonderful husband. That man seriously has my back. I have posted here recently about my issues with breastfeeding and how that made me feel. I have had bad weeks and turned to you all for advice. I have thanked you all profusely. However, I haven’t thanked the one man in my life that makes my life easier and better and fills my life with light. Well, that is not strictly true. I am very good at thanking him and appreciating him in real life but he doesn’t often get too much of a mention here. I don’t think I can do him justice other than to say, Piran aside, this man is my LIFE.

So I think that my greatest fear these days is for something to happen or something to change that would mean that he and I were not side by side any more. That would be the hardest thing in my life. I can do anything with him by my side. He is away for a few days this week and I long to have him here with me. On a normal week I miss him when he goes to work. Maternity leave has been strange for us as we worked together, traveled to work together, had lunch together, came home together every day when I was still working. I am never fed up of his company. I miss him when he leaves the room. He is my “favourite”. He is my life.

I picked this poem to be read at our wedding and it sums up how I feel so completely.

Tin Wedding Whistle – Ogden Nash

Though you know it anyhow
Listen to me, darling, now,

Proving what I need not prove
How I know I love you, love.

Near and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;

Likewise I have never larnt
How to be it where you aren’t.

Far and wide, far and wide,
I can walk with you beside;

Furthermore, I tell you what,
I sit and sulk where you are not.

Visitors remark my frown
Where you’re upstairs and I am down,

Yes, and I’m afraid I pout
When I’m indoors and you are out;

But how contentedly I view
Any room containing you.

In fact I care not where you be,
Just as long as it’s with me.

In all your absences I glimpse
Fire and flood and trolls and imps.

Is your train a minute slothful?
I goad the stationmaster wrothful.

When with friends to bridge you drive
I never know if you’re alive,

And when you linger late in shops
I long to telephone the cops.

Yet how worth the waiting for,
To see you coming through the door.

Somehow, I can be complacent
Never but with you adjacent.

Near and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;

Likewise I have never larnt
How to be it where you aren’t.

Then grudge me not my fond endeavor,
To hold you in my sight forever;

Let none, not even you, disparage
Such a valid reason for a marriage.

I love you Mr C x

11 Comments

  • Reply Emma @notsuchayummymummy November 18, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Lovely post. I cimpletely understand, I don't knonw what I'd do without my husband either. He's my best friend. Looks like we're both very lucky!

  • Reply lifewithalittledude November 18, 2009 at 10:39 am

    This is lovely, and I know exactly how you feel.

    Mr C is a lucky man!

  • Reply TheMadHouse November 18, 2009 at 10:43 am

    That is how I feel too. MadDad is my life, my sun, moon and stars and I never hesitate to tell him.

  • Reply gaelikaa November 18, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Never fear. Always have courage..

  • Reply New Mummy November 18, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Lovely post, I'm also blessed with a great man, who supports and encourages we are the lucky ones x

  • Reply Hearth-mother November 18, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Wonderful. I loved the poem too. It's all too easy to forget the little details about your wedding. You have made me return to my wedding album and order of service today!

  • Reply Bec November 18, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    Totally whole heartedly agree!

  • Reply Josie @Sleep is for the Weak November 18, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    Whenever I read your blog I always find myself wishing I'd read it from the beginning and got to follow you through your journey to love and motherhood. I'm so happy that you met the man of your dreams and have your gorgeous boy and don't need to be afraid any more.

    He sounds like a very special fella your Mr C. I hope you always get to be together – it sounds like you were meant to be.
    xx

  • Reply More than Just a Mother November 18, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    Gosh what a good post. My own greatest fear was always, like you, that I wouldn't be able to have children. The last few years have been a rollercoaster, swinging from infertility to hyper-fertility (!) back to permanent infertility, finally bearing out my fears.

  • Reply clareybabble November 18, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    Awww what a lovely post…I always used to think I could never have children…luckily I got pregnant quite quickly too. It's funny how our minds think x

  • Reply Rebel Mother November 19, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    Good heavens girl, you've reduced me to tears….. I have to get a hankie now!

    Love RMxx

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