Not the best week ever.

July 30, 2010

Health Warning: This is a miserable, self obssessed, woe is me blog post. If I were you I would just skip over it. You have been warned.

I’m really starting to regret writing this blog post. I feel like since I did I am being tested, that life is trying to make it too hard for me to actually see my promises through.

As those of you that follow me on Twitter will no doubt be sick to the back teeth of hearing me say, I am ill at the moment. Since Monday morning I have felt constantly sick. I have not been sick but I am just filled from head to toe with a queasy feeling. It is hard, tiring and upsetting. I have been to the doctor and they gave me tablets that have made no difference. I have had an upset tummy as well on a couple of occasions and headaches which come and go, mainly at night but for over 100 hours I have felt sick. Whether I eat or not makes no real difference, only in the way I feel sick. If I don’t eat I feel sick with stomach pains from hunger. If I do eat I feel really sick and need to lie down.

Piran has been with my MIL almost all week. I am just incapable of looking after him. I get upset and he gets frustrated and being stuck in the house is so bad for him. I am lucky that we have someone to help out. I miss him. Yesterday was my birthday, and I spent it alone feeling ill. Today is Mr C’s birthday. Sunday is Piran’s birthday. We were having a party for him tomorrow afternoon and one for us tomorrow evening and both have been cancelled. I just want to feel well.

Last year I spent my birthday and Mr C’s birthday in hospital, in pain from the Prostin and with no sign of the baby coming ever. This year I have spent it in bed alone. My first birthday as a mum and it’s all screwed up. I have looked forward to making Piran a special birthday cake for months and months. Last night I went and bought him one. I am so disappointed.

Occasionally I feel like I am getting better, I did this morning, but now I feel just as bad as I did a few days ago. Will this ever get better? I can feel myself teetering on an edge. It is one that I know well, but one that I haven’t been near for quite a long time. Real life, being a mum, looking after my family keeps my feet and mind rooted fully in the real world. But being ill, not being able to get out, being alone for long periods of time, not much fresh air, all these things drag me down into the black hole that is inside of me. I don’t want to go there but I don’t have the energy, and I don’t feel well enough to stop it happening. I am so glad that it is the weekend, that Mr C and Piran will be here, that I will not be alone all the time. I really just need to hold on until this evening and then hopefully everything will be okay.

Please, Universe, let me get better for Sunday. I just want to enjoy my baby’s birthday.

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