Of imaginary fear and self-loathing

January 31, 2010

When I wrote my post for the Writing Workshop last week something nudged my memory and I had to go back and have a look for a particular post that I wrote on my old blog called Fear and Self-loathing. Strangely enough reading it back has been really good for me. It has reminded me that I need to keep my perspective. That I need to recognise certain thoughts and feelings and single them out for what they really are – the product of a hormone imbalance.

This weekend has been very hard. I wrote this week about this routine being all messed up so we decided to hit the reset button so to speak and go back to basics – letting him tell us when he wanted feeding and needed a sleep. The result has been a complete change from how we have been doing things, and it is obviously what he needed.

However, I have done it at the wrong time. It would seem (due to the fact I fell apart earlier) that I am right smack bag in the middle of one of these fear and self loathing episodes, so I am second guessing everything that I do. When it was just about me and abouot work it really wasn’t a problem, I could go and hide under the duvet for a couple of days if that was what I needed. These days that is not possible, and tied up with all of these feelings of inadequacy is whether I am good at being a mum, if I know how to look after a child. Throw in baby led weaning, which is hard in the beginning and you have a bundle of neurotic fun.

So we had tantrums and tears and I had the elephant on the chest feeling of an impending panic attack and was all for giving up entirely, but my rock, the wonderful Mr C helped me out the other side and in the end I calmed down enough to go to the inlaws for dinner without anything being a problem. I am still left with the echos of that feeling and will try and relax this evening to shake it because tomorrow we will be home alone again and I need to be strong.

Not having periods when pregnant was nice, but not having these horrible, sad hormonal days was a revelation. Their return is most unwelcome.

5 Comments

  • Reply Amy January 31, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    i hope you feel better soon, i think there is something in the water because i feel exactly the same at the moment. xxxx

  • Reply TheMadHouse January 31, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    Oh Kelly, things will get better, being a mother is the hardest job in the world. hang on in there

  • Reply Geriatric Mummy January 31, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    I too have days like these, but unrelated to hormones largely. Motherhood is the MOST stressful thing I have ever done, and the most isolating. Weaning was the worst of times. Understanding yourself and how and why you react to things is a massive advantage, so give yourself a hug and wait for a good day to come – remember it's just around the corner x

  • Reply Josie January 31, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    Just wanted to come and give you a big ((hug))

    Here if you want to chat lovely, about BLW stuff especially because I know it can be a bit panic inducing in the beginning.

    Hang in there xxx

  • Reply Heather February 1, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    I hope you are feeling better soon xx

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