The one I have been trying to write forever.

January 3, 2008

This was the second part of my post yesterday but I wanted it to stand alone and not be missed.

WARNING: This is not very cheerful, it is serious with some rather personal bits so just be warned before you decide to read on. Very intimate details about me.

I have not been very happy recently and I am finding it hard to figure out why. I just seem to have these periods of depression I guess. Which just seems so stupid. I have a fabulous man in my life, the most incredible person I have ever met, and everyday I am reminded how lucky I am. I have an amazing job that challenges me every day, but that I appear to be good at and that I am loving. I had an amazing year last year where my future fell into place. I am getting married this year (oh WOW). I have a beautiful home. I have the money now to study for the degree that I have always wanted. I have spare money at the end of the month.

But something lies over me, holding me down. Something makes me want to hide under the duvet and not face the world. I don’t know what it is that makes me feel like this but it is hard.

Not everything is perfect. I have a condition called Hidradenitis. This manifests itself as cyst like ‘bumps’ or lesions in my groin area. These get very sore and squishy and either burst or just go down for a while before returning. It is very painful, and In 2006 I had an operation to remove some which worked slightly but I have them back in the same and new and different places. I have tried a number of medications but I don’t seem to be able to get them under control for more than a couple of months before they flare up again. The operations don’t solve anything and it was not a pleasant experience anyway and one that I would prefer not to repeat. I am constantly on antibiotics and I take the contraceptive pill in an attempt to stop these lumps appearing (mine seem to be linked to my hormones because they come up at certain times of the month). I worry about what I am going to do once I am ready to start trying for a baby.

Therein lies the real problem. I find it really hard to talk about this stuff, I am a bit of a prude! Still I am writing which is not the same. This post has been on my mind for 12 months, which is crazy, time to get it out.

I have lost my mojo. Somewhere between September 2006 and today all my ‘sexy’ feelings have disappeared. I have no sex drive at all. Poor old GF. I have no idea what it is or why. I have not been on the tablets all of the time so it cannot be that. The lumps are very uncomfortable and I don’t exactly feel feminine and sexy when I have them. I don’t have those kind of thoughts or feelings at all (about anyone, real or imaginary – this isn’t just about GF). I can go for weeks without thinking about sex and when I do it just seems to be me feeling guilty about how long it has been since GF and I have had sex. He is the most understanding and wonderful person in the world. He does not make me feel bad or guilty. He is almost too good about it all. He is convinced that this is just a phase and that I will be back to normal at some point. That is almost too much in a way. I want to know how he can be so sure. What if I don’t get better, what if this is the way that it is going to be for the rest of my life. What about having babies?

Anyway, I don’t know if this is why I am depressed at times. It sure does not help. I do not feel normal. When people make jokes or innuendos about my sex life (as people do) I want to die. I want to shout at them that this is not the way that it is. Oh this is all crazy. I am getting married this year and I just want to be normal and be able to make GF happy. I have been trying to write this post for so long and now I have. I will see if it makes me feel better at all in the next few days I guess. It is out there now. Part of my problem is that because I am such a prude I find it so hard to talk about. Now it is out there. Perhaps telling the internet will help me. It is good to start 2008 this way though. Got it all off my chest. It could mean that I will write more because I found it so hard to blog because this post just wanted to be written. It was the whole point that I moved blogs in the first place. That was ages ago!

Happy New Year. I hope 2008 is just brilliant for you all.

1 Comment

  • Reply Adz January 4, 2008 at 12:22 am

    Happy new year!

    Glad you got that off your chest, and I hope you feel better for it! Sorry to here about your Hidradentis. It can’t be a lot of fun, It’s nothing to be ashamed of though. Keep fighting it, talk to your GP, drum it into him and I hope you can find something that makes it better for you.

    I think the “mojo” thing happens to us all. It sure has to me. My sex life is certainly nothing like it once was. I worry about (the lack of) it lots, which makes things worse. Diet and exercise makes me more inclined, and I have spoken to the other half about it lots. He understands. Thing is, when I do stop worrying about it so much, and relax a bit, it’s fine, it’s just difficult sometimes.

    Don’t be scared to get things off your chest, it usually helps in my experience!

    Hope to see you soon!

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