I have been having a two day email conversation with one of the guys in the department on the floor above me and we have been talking a lot about reading and books and writing. I have told him about this blog, although these days I cannot consider myself a blogger. For tradition’s sake he needs a blog name so I will call him Wolf. I am not sure if he will approve of that or not, however he will know why I call him that.
Anyway, one of the things that I did was go back two years to see what I was writing at the time and I found a meme thing that I did. The general gist was to write something to someone that you wish you could but never would. It had to be ten separate people. It is funny but I remember what I was doing and where I was sitting as I wrote it and exactly how I felt afterwards. It was good, cathartic, and cleared my head. Some of the things still stand, some I don’t still feel like that and some I have moved on from there and it is no longer an issue for me.
It is funny though, one of the entries was “Did I ever mean anything to you?” I was chatting away, convinced that I knew who I was writing it about. It sparked off an interesting conversation. Then a few hours later, I was outside having a break and I realised that I had it completely wrong. It was someone else that I wanted to ask that question. At the time of writing (and for the previous 12 years) that was a huge question in my life and one that I would have given a lot to have answered. But now, I guess today has made me think, does it mean anything to me anymore? I was in love with that person for so long and I never ever knew where I stood with him. It was a huge part of my life for so long. I thought that I would get it resolved a few months before I wrote that post but it never happened and I decided enough was enough and deleted any way of contacting that person. All email addresses and telephone numbers. Old emails and old texts. A new start. I starting seeing GF less than a month later. He always says that we wasted time, knowing each other for nearly two years before we got together, but I always say that we got together at the right time, before that I was not ready. It is very true.
It has been a nice email conversation with Wolf and it has made me think a lot today. It is a shame, he is leaving at the end of the month and we were just getting to know each other. Still, I hope that we will keep in touch. He is off across the high seas on an adventure. I am very excited for him, a little jealous but I have missed my chance for things like that. I was always too afraid I guess. I have loads of friends that have gone off and done the traveling thing. Some have come back, some have stayed. All of them recommend it. I am not sorry though.
It is good to write something.