An Open Letter to My Cold Virus

June 1, 2006

Dear Mr Cold Virus,

I have no idea why I have decided that you are of the male persuasion Mr Virus however it just seems fitting. My apologies if anyone finds this offensive.

I just wanted to write and say thank you for your visit. I have enjoyed it so much more than I could have ever thought possible. I cannot believe how we have managed to fit so much fun stuff into these five days that we have spent together and this morning I get the feeling that you are beginning to wish you were on your way elsewhere and I just couldn’t let you go without sharing my appreciation.

Fiesrtly, I would like to thank you for the perfect timing of your visit. Your appearance literally minutes after my monthly visitor left was just so perfect and really didn’t screw up any of the plans I may or may not have had with Paul this lovely bank holiday weekend. Nope, there was no screwing involved at all. Nice. Also, perfect timing with the weather. So often when people come and stay they bring the rain with them. But not you. With you came the first sunshine that I have seen in weeks. What a shame that you have made me stay indoors for the past five days.

I really hope that once you have gone you will be kind enough to leave me my taste buds in good working order. Since you have arrived everything has either tasted of nothing or if I have been lucky, salt. Except I hate salt. I was particually happy with the way my vodka and ginger ale last night tasted of water. Yum. Oh, and I really really have missed having an appetite. So if you could clean up the taste buds and replace my appetite on your way out I would be extremely grateful.

Thanks so much for the chills, the hot flushes and the fever. I had forgotten how nice it is to hallucinate about going shopping (you made it feel so real) and how great it is when I came round and realised that not only had I not just bought all those lovely things, I don’t have the money to do so when I am better.

Congratulations on being the first houseguest that I have had that has used 4 toilet rolls, one box of Kleenex Balm tissues, one bottle of Night Nurse, a box of Beechams Flu Plus tablets, half a bottle of brandy, three lemons, a jar of honey, one bottle of ribena and all of my bubble bath.

I must say I have been particually impressed with the way you managed to get Paul to cook every meal and wash up everytime. You got him to do three loads of laundry and he has made you countless cups of tea. He deserves a medal which I plan on making him later.

Well, the throbbing in my sinuses has faden to a dull roar so I guess it is time for us to say goodbye. I hope that when I lay down to sleep tonight you will not insist on coughing continuously forcing me to leave my warm bed and sit and watch dodgy films with you at all hours of the night. Hopefully if you stay away this evening I will make it out of the flat and back into society tomorrow for the first time since Sunday morning. We will see.

Yours sincerely



  • Reply soulmining June 1, 2006 at 2:47 pm

    I’d change the locks after he’s gone if I were you. Sounds like a right b*st*rd.

    Hope he’s gone by tomorrow and you’re feeling better.

  • Reply e. June 1, 2006 at 2:49 pm

    Ugh, I hope you’re feeling better! I was feeling all sorry for myself with the hurty throat and the sneezy ick, but it sounds like yours was terribly worse. However, it also sounds like your Boy is better… mine gave me the cold quite happily but seems reluctant on the homemade meals. Silly Boy.

  • Reply monkey typist June 2, 2006 at 12:19 am

    what is sun…shine?

    i hope you feel lots better now, then even better than that.

  • Reply Anne June 2, 2006 at 1:57 am

    Awh..sorry you feel bad..hope that he is gone for good!

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