Every single day at the moment is a struggle. Things are not going well and I am desperately trying to stay on top of everything despite our home life being really, really hard work.
That’s one way to start a post.
And it is the way I feel like I should share everything at the moment. Why do I insist on adding some kind of disclaimer at the beginning or end of something?
I am sick of apologising.
Not if I actually do something wrong, I am actually quite good at owning it and saying sorry.
I am sick of apologising for my choices in life. I am sick of feeling like I have to apologise for the way my life turned out. I know I am lucky but why does that stop my feeling being valid? I am sick of feeling like I cannot be honest with people because I might sound ungrateful or insensitive. We all have our shit, why do I feel like I am not entitled to be honest about everything.
I want to say – I am still not coping.
I say – Well I am so lucky that I didn’t need to go back to work and I know how lucky I am but I still don’t manage to keep it all together. Ha ha.
I want to say – Being a mum is the hardest thing ever in the world and some days I just don’t think I can do it.
I say – I know how lucky I am that I got pregnant easily and had two healthy happy children but I am finding it really hard at the moment.
I want to say – I really need some support and cheering up, being a parent is slowly wearing me down and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I say – Being a mum is a rollercoaster but this is the life I chose and so I shouldn’t complain.
I want to say – Oh my god being back at college learning something is amazing. I feel like I have found my place in the world and it feels great. I finally feel engaged and excited and creative and it is amazing and I am ROCKING it.
I say – Yes I am really loving college it is fun. It is so nice to do something for me. I am so lucky I have the opportunity.
I think what I am asking is this. If I come here and shout from the rooftops that things are good will you understand that doesn’t mean all the time? If I come here and write about how parenthood is a complete mindfuck and I wonder if I will ever be the same, and you wish you could have children and can’t, will you still understand me? If I come on and write about how bad my week has been will you still want to employ me?
Is this all in my head? This need to apologise to everyone out there? Are you out there thinking the things I think you are thinking?
Or are you all just living your lives wondering what other people are thinking about you and not thinking much about them at all.
Because as I write this I realise that is exactly the case. I read your tweets, look at your Instagram, read your blog posts. I hit like because I get it, I leave a comment to say you are not alone. I am by no means perfect but neither do I judge every single person I know, in real life and on the internet all the time. Jeez, I barely have time to string a coherent thought together most of the time.
I read something somewhere recently (must have been online as that’s where I read everything), and it suggested that instead of apologising all the time we should instead thank people. So instead of me saying to Mr C – “I am sorry that I am bat shit crazy most of the time” I should say “Thank you for being there and understanding my oddness”. And instead of saying “Sorry I am late” say “Thank you so much for waiting for me”. And so on. This has really stuck with me and although I forget daily I am really trying to do this more. I think it is brilliant. It is about being grateful instead of sorry and I love that.
And so, I am going to try to write here, free from the worries about what everyone is thinking and feeling and I am just going to be myself and share my shit. And if you feel I am being self-centred or tactless I think it might be time for you to read something else. And if you worry too much about me because of my posts, don’t read, just ask me how I am. And if I work for you then I promise to tell you if I cannot manage.
Sorry that this post is a long and jumbled brain dump. Thank you for reading to the end. You are all amazing.