I want to write about this, but for days I have been trying to find a starting place for this post and I just really don’t know where to start. So, it is 6.15 and I am just going to start writing. And write for 15 minutes and then stop if I haven’t already.
I think it is like that someone has hit my pause button but the rest of my life is still moving at break neck speed. For days now I have been finding it hard to focus, to do anything. Some days I realise that I have just been stood still staring into space for the past twenty minutes. I phase in and out. I am so tired that if I sit down then I fall asleep. I have started to avoid comfortable chairs during the hours the kids are home. Or I fall asleep even when I am in charge of these people.
Being depressed and having children is very different. In the past I would just retreat, hide in my bedroom or flat, phone in sick, hide from the world, preferably with a duvet over my head, not looking after myself, just protecting myself. Now I have a family and responsibilities that has to be different. I am able to ensure that they are fed and have clean clothes and lunches and get everywhere on time. I really try but I know that I forget to look after myself. I miss lunch, forget to eat breakfast, fill up on biscuits and treats. Always let myself have that treat because I need cheering up. One day I will learn that it doesn’t make me feel better, it just makes me fatter. I do my best to act ‘normal’ around my kids. I don’t want them to know how I feel. I don’t want them to think that it has anything to do with them. No one ever says “My mum was depressed when I was a child, it was ace”.
God it is dark at the bottom of this hole right now.
I don’t want to write this in case someone sees it and worries. I don’t want people to worry. But actually I do need to write if only to get. this. stuff. out. of. my. head.
No doubt this is just a glitch. I am still taking the tablets, still trying to do the best thing for everybody. I don’t feel like this all the time, just now. Just for the last week I think. I am so, so tired.
When Piran started school I didn’t cry. In fact I didn’t feel anything. That isn’t normal is it? Everyone else seems outwardly affected by this huge change. Me, well at first I felt normal and now I feel like I am losing my mind. Maybe the two things are related but I still don’t feel anything when I think about Piran growing up and starting school. I feel dead inside. Or maybe not because I feel very proud of him these last few weeks and months. He still has his moments but he is a polite, happy, engaged little boy and I feel very proud of that indeed.
I usually write 3 monthly letters to both of my children but I haven’t managed to write the most recent ones. They are now 6 weeks overdue and I think maybe they won’t get written, it is too late. That makes me feel even sadder.
I am trying to be kind to myself, give myself a break. I am trying to stay busy and make life easy for myself. But even those things that I rely on so much day to day are too much and I don’t know where to go or what to do next.
My time is up. I will write more tomorrow. Who knows, maybe this will help.