Yours Truly

Paused

September 14, 2013

I want to write about this, but for days I have been trying to find a starting place for this post and I just really don’t know where to start. So, it is 6.15 and I am just going to start writing. And write for 15 minutes and then stop if I haven’t already.

I think it is like that someone has hit my pause button but the rest of my life is still moving at break neck speed. For days now I have been finding it hard to focus, to do anything. Some days I realise that I have just been stood still staring into space for the past twenty minutes. I phase in and out. I am so tired that if I sit down then I fall asleep. I have started to avoid comfortable chairs during the hours the kids are home. Or I fall asleep even when I am in charge of these people.

Being depressed and having children is very different. In the past I would just retreat, hide in my bedroom or flat, phone in sick, hide from the world, preferably with a duvet over my head, not looking after myself, just protecting myself. Now I have a family and responsibilities that has to be different. I am able to ensure that they are fed and have clean clothes and lunches and get everywhere on time. I really try but I know that I forget to look after myself. I miss lunch, forget to eat breakfast, fill up on biscuits and treats. Always let myself have that treat because I need cheering up. One day I will learn that it doesn’t make me feel better, it just makes me fatter. I do my best to act ‘normal’ around my kids. I don’t want them to know how I feel. I don’t want them to think that it has anything to do with them. No one ever says “My mum was depressed when I was a child, it was ace”.

God it is dark at the bottom of this hole right now.

I don’t want to write this in case someone sees it and worries. I don’t want people to worry. But actually I do need to write if only to get. this. stuff. out. of. my. head.

No doubt this is just a glitch. I am still taking the tablets, still trying to do the best thing for everybody. I don’t feel like this all the time, just now. Just for the last week I think. I am so, so tired.

When Piran started school I didn’t cry. In fact I didn’t feel anything. That isn’t normal is it? Everyone else seems outwardly affected by this huge change. Me, well at first I felt normal and now I feel like I am losing my mind. Maybe the two things are related but I still don’t feel anything when I think about Piran growing up and starting school. I feel dead inside. Or maybe not because I feel very proud of him these last few weeks and months. He still has his moments but he is a polite, happy, engaged little boy and I feel very proud of that indeed.

I usually write 3 monthly letters to both of my children but I haven’t managed to write the most recent ones. They are now 6 weeks overdue and I think maybe they won’t get written, it is too late. That makes me feel even sadder.

I am trying to be kind to myself, give myself a break. I am trying to stay busy and make life easy for myself. But even those things that I rely on so much day to day are too much and I don’t know where to go or what to do next.

My time is up. I will write more tomorrow. Who knows, maybe this will help.

 

You Might Also Like

8 Comments

  • Reply Cally September 14, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    Oh sweetheart, I do know how you feel. When my OH went back to work after his paternity leave was up and I was facing my first day alone with the Spudling everyone said I should cherish it and remember it forever, it would be so special. In actual fact I cried all day. Depression and tiredness make you different from other people so don’t compare yourself or your reactions to theirs. Don’t heap more pressure on yourself when you’re struggling to breathe. Drop everything that adds to your stress – the blog, crafts, baking, favours for friends, whatever isn’t essential. You look after everyone else so well, be kind to yourself and look after yourself too. Xxx

    • Reply Kelly September 18, 2013 at 11:16 am

      Thank you Cally, I have been taking your advice and giving myself a break. I feel a bit better this week, and things are definitely a bit easier.

  • Reply Kat September 15, 2013 at 1:16 am

    Dear Kelly,

    I want you to know I’m thinking of you, many people are my friend. Have you considered talking to the GP again? The falling asleep and phasing out might be something that’s not working with the tablets. The sleep deprived nights, I think your sleep needs to be ring fenced. Youneed good sleep regularly. I know it’s hard for both of you. I am being a dick and offering solutions which I know is THE WRONG THING but I just want to throw you a life belt.

    Kat x

    • Reply Kelly September 18, 2013 at 11:19 am

      Hi Kat, thank you. I have spoken to the GP and I think that excessive tiredness is part of my symptoms – hard to tell when I am not getting an awful lot of sleep but we have checked for other causes. Thankfully school is having an amazing effect on Piran and bedtimes and night times have been a totally different experience for the last week so I hope that continues. All support is gratefully received, I need people to be practical for me when I am floundering. Thank you for being a good friend x

  • Reply D September 15, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    It’s ok not to feel things the way others do. I also am not one to cry about my child’s milestones very often, while I see others coming apart at the most ordinary of steps. Sometimes I feel cold-hearted because obviously a normal mum would weep, but I’m not sure it’s true, and if it’s something we’ve just “grown into” as a culture…it’s become the expected thing to do/feel. You’re allowed to feel whatever you do, and that you know you feel proud, and have clearly taken on your various documenting processes with a sense of how lovely your children are, and how valuable their little achievements and changes are says that you feel plenty. (I’m not saying this to scold you, just to let you hear that you’re a good mum even if you aren’t overwhelmed with feelings. You clearly love your children.)

    I also totally hear you on this though. I struggle with it myself, as a single parent, as I struggle with the day-to-day decisions without a trusted adult to bounce things around with me, and the wondering if I’m feeling the right things, or enough things, or where the line is between sensible and feeling-less.

    Also on the eating. The sugar and treats because we deserve something nice, but without the backing of good basic nutrition the rest of the day. Yes indeed.

    And on the sense that if you don’t get a thing done on time, it is lost forever. That’s not really true though, and you can handle it however you like. Try to pick a choice that leaves you not feeling horrid about yourself if you can…not doing it may make you feel rotten, but doing it late, or doing two at once, or one with a short catchup paragraph might make it possible to placate your inner nag.

    And on the lack of sleep or the relentless fatigue. I haven’t had a long stretch of uninterrupted sleep in over a decade. It’s at the point where I lay down at night and assume I will not be in bed straight through, and its not even things that can be helped much (I have a sleep-talking, occasional bedwetter, and a small house, and I myself am a light sleeper who doesn’t fall back asleep well. I don’t want to take sleep aids or wear ear plugs due to being the only adult in the household. It’s a struggle.

    Not sure if it helps to hear any of this, but I recognise myself, so at least you’re not alone, I guess.

    • Reply Kelly September 18, 2013 at 11:23 am

      Thank you so much for your comment. It really does help to know that it is not just me, that the majority of people find being a parent really bloody hard. I have been thinking and you are right, there are things I can do to make myself feel better – quick blog posts instead of none at all. And thank you for pointing out the bleeding obvious – my way of ‘doing’ the first day of school was to be excited, a bit nervous. I took pictures, walked him to school, helped him settle in, enjoyed the fact he was happy. I came home and shared those pictures and wrote some words. So what if I don’t cry.

      • Reply D September 18, 2013 at 3:46 pm

        I love your description of your son’s first day. It sounds calm, happy, exciting and lovely. I think children pick up on our emotions, and what you gave him is a gift. The things that make me cry are sometimes surprising, but rarely do they fit the “should” that surrounds me. I don’t think it matters. Being genuine is a lovely quality to possess.

        • Reply Kelly September 20, 2013 at 11:42 am

          That’s it, I didn’t find it sad I was just immensely proud of our boy.

    Leave a Reply