So tired.

March 11, 2015

Each night I find it hard to turn off the light, to put down my book or my phone. I just don’t see the point of going to sleep.

But I am so tired.

The thing is I can pretty much guarantee that within an hour of closing my eyes and going to sleep I will be woken again by Kate. It usually starts with a bit of moaning, maybe some crying. And then. “Muuuummmy. Muuuummmmmmy. Mummy. Mummy. Mummy. MUMMY. MUUUMMMMY. I stumble from my warm bed and go and see what she wants. If I am lucky it’s a couple minutes of settling her, rearranging the covers, finding the right teddy. If I am unlucky it’s an hour spent in her bed, as she wriggles and kicks and fusses. Or maybe more. Last night it was over an hour of talking to her before I could convince her that it was night time and she should be asleep.

I climb back into my now cold bed and pass out again. What seems like moments later it starts again. “Mummy”.

Some nights it is just once. Some nights it is three, four, five times. Some times Mr C goes instead. “NO I WANT MUMMY”.

Not going is not an option. She will carry on shouting for HOURS.

Some nights (like last night) Piran takes a turn in the middle. He is scared, he doesn’t want to be alone. I lose my temper. I want to sleep. I have spent YEARS getting him to sleep all night in his own bed. I cannot GO BACK. I shout, he cries. It is worse. Mr C has to step in.

Kate sleeps through all that.

Kate wakes me again an hour later.

I am so tired.

I am raging at the unfairness of it all. All I want is sleep. They are 5 and nearly 4. Surely by now we should be getting the odd night where no one wakes up. Another mum asked me last week at school when was the last time I slept through the night. “September” I answered, “When I went away for the weekend.”

I am so very tired.

And then last weekend it happened. I went to sleep at 11 and I was woken from a deep sleep by Kate standing by my bed. The room was light. I stared blearily at the bedside clock. 6.03. Blimey. I struggled to pull myself from sleep’s heavy embrace. I could hear her moving around, chatting. She told me she was going to take her nappy off, like she does every morning. I heard her do it. I heard her sit down. And then the fatal words. “I did a wee AND a poo Mummy.”

And so my delicious sleep was punctuated by me cleaning a bottom shaped poo mark off my cream carpet at 6.05am.

But at least I got a full night of sleep. Let’s hope that the next one won’t be another six months in coming.

I take pictures of my children sleeping to remind myself that it does happen sometimes.

I take pictures of my children sleeping to remind myself that it does happen sometimes.

I started this post as I am beyond broken by this whole situation but it has turned out quite flippant really. Things have changed since I wrote ‘Unspoken‘ last September. I worked really hard on bedtime routines and that part at least can be better. Piran still has his bad days. We never thought it possible but Kate is a worse night time sleeper than Piran ever was.

The truth is that the whole situation is taking its toll on me and Mr C but there are days when we can deal and days like today when it all feels so bloody bleak. We have managed to convince the children to go for a sleepover at their grandparents house on Friday, but these things have fallen apart at the last minute in the past. Regardless, we have our honeymoon at the beginning of June where we will have 7 nights child free in Tenerife to sleep. And you know, enjoy ourselves if we ever wake up!

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  • Reply Carie March 12, 2015 at 8:33 am

    Oh that really is tough. It’s only in the last few months that Kitty has started to consistently sleep the night in her bed and not come burrowing in with us in the wee small hours. She’s 4 1/2 so I can definitely sympathise, and at least when she arrived she just wanted to snuggle up and sleep (and kick and wriggle) , I’m coming off the back of a run of nights where Pip has woken every hour and then taken an hour to settle, and Elma has been waking up wanting Mama (and only Mama) and screaming for me while H tries to settle her so that I can be with Pip! I’m sending sleepy vibes to the children and lots of hugs for you 🙂

    • Reply Kelly March 12, 2015 at 9:21 am

      Oh it is terrible when more than one child wants you and there is nothing that you can do about it. Just reading that gave me palpitations! I do love your babies names.

      Can you believe that both of mine slept right through last night? So typical after I complained that it is all bad!

  • Reply Elizabeth Rebecca March 12, 2015 at 7:56 pm

    Bless you – nights like that must drain you so much.

    Lizzie Dripping

    • Reply Kelly March 13, 2015 at 6:54 am

      Lack of sleep is the worst!

  • Reply Claire March 12, 2015 at 9:22 pm

    When you wrote the last post I really felt for you, now I understand more than ever. L is a sleeper. F isn’t. He wakes at midnight every night and it takes time to get him to settle, then at 4ish he’s up for the day. I know exactly what you mean. I lay in bed waiting for him to wake as there was no point in sleeping. I was at breaking point, like you, doing it alone. But a week or so ago a lady I dont really know listened to me whittle on at Ls dance class and she told me to let him be cold. She said it sounded like her child and she tried everything….. And finally figured out he didn’t like bring warm! So that night I didn’t give him a cover and he slept through! It was a miracle! I stupidly though that was it, we had cracked it….. We haven’t. Some nights he’s a nightmare but at least there are some nights when he does sleep now. We are getting there…. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway!!! As always I’m sending you hugs and sleepy vibes xx

    • Reply Kelly March 13, 2015 at 6:54 am

      Glad that you have found something that works for you. Any sleep is good sleep right? Does he still sleep in the day?
      Can you believe that since I wrote this my two have slept through two nights in a row? It is crazy and they are meant to be going to their grandparents tonight, I might even start to feel human again if this carries on! Hope you get some rest x

  • Reply Sarah March 18, 2015 at 10:35 pm

    I’m a bit late catching up, hope the good sleep has continued. I take my hat off to you lady, I coped really badly with sleep deprivation – a major reason why O is likely to stay an only child!

    • Reply Kelly March 28, 2015 at 8:41 am

      It has ups and downs. It hasn’t been as bad lately, but that makes me more grumpy went it happens.

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