Each night I find it hard to turn off the light, to put down my book or my phone. I just don’t see the point of going to sleep.
But I am so tired.
The thing is I can pretty much guarantee that within an hour of closing my eyes and going to sleep I will be woken again by Kate. It usually starts with a bit of moaning, maybe some crying. And then. “Muuuummmy. Muuuummmmmmy. Mummy. Mummy. Mummy. MUMMY. MUUUMMMMY. I stumble from my warm bed and go and see what she wants. If I am lucky it’s a couple minutes of settling her, rearranging the covers, finding the right teddy. If I am unlucky it’s an hour spent in her bed, as she wriggles and kicks and fusses. Or maybe more. Last night it was over an hour of talking to her before I could convince her that it was night time and she should be asleep.
I climb back into my now cold bed and pass out again. What seems like moments later it starts again. “Mummy”.
Some nights it is just once. Some nights it is three, four, five times. Some times Mr C goes instead. “NO I WANT MUMMY”.
Not going is not an option. She will carry on shouting for HOURS.
Some nights (like last night) Piran takes a turn in the middle. He is scared, he doesn’t want to be alone. I lose my temper. I want to sleep. I have spent YEARS getting him to sleep all night in his own bed. I cannot GO BACK. I shout, he cries. It is worse. Mr C has to step in.
Kate sleeps through all that.
Kate wakes me again an hour later.
I am so tired.
I am raging at the unfairness of it all. All I want is sleep. They are 5 and nearly 4. Surely by now we should be getting the odd night where no one wakes up. Another mum asked me last week at school when was the last time I slept through the night. “September” I answered, “When I went away for the weekend.”
I am so very tired.
And then last weekend it happened. I went to sleep at 11 and I was woken from a deep sleep by Kate standing by my bed. The room was light. I stared blearily at the bedside clock. 6.03. Blimey. I struggled to pull myself from sleep’s heavy embrace. I could hear her moving around, chatting. She told me she was going to take her nappy off, like she does every morning. I heard her do it. I heard her sit down. And then the fatal words. “I did a wee AND a poo Mummy.”
And so my delicious sleep was punctuated by me cleaning a bottom shaped poo mark off my cream carpet at 6.05am.
But at least I got a full night of sleep. Let’s hope that the next one won’t be another six months in coming.
I started this post as I am beyond broken by this whole situation but it has turned out quite flippant really. Things have changed since I wrote ‘Unspoken‘ last September. I worked really hard on bedtime routines and that part at least can be better. Piran still has his bad days. We never thought it possible but Kate is a worse night time sleeper than Piran ever was.
The truth is that the whole situation is taking its toll on me and Mr C but there are days when we can deal and days like today when it all feels so bloody bleak. We have managed to convince the children to go for a sleepover at their grandparents house on Friday, but these things have fallen apart at the last minute in the past. Regardless, we have our honeymoon at the beginning of June where we will have 7 nights child free in Tenerife to sleep. And you know, enjoy ourselves if we ever wake up!