It seems to be happening again. There is something that is on my mind, that I would like to write about but I am not sure if I know how or even should. Because of this I haven’t really blogged about a lot, as the post that could be is clogging my channels. Something like that anyway.
I feel a bit that way at the moment anyway. Birthdays are done, Piran is one and it is 5 weeks until we go on holiday. Lots of Piran’s usual activities are off for the summer, or we can’t go anymore because of my work days. It is the summer holiday so places like the zoo would be so busy. I’m just at a bit of a loss.
I think Piran needs more interaction from me but I struggle for ideas of things we can do other than play with his toys. What did you do with your one year old? (if you have ever had one!) He is nowhere near even trying to walk, but is a super speedy crawler.
Part of the reason I went back to work was loneliness, but sadly don’t feel that has changed much at all. Adult conversation is nice but I don’t feel like I connect to many people at all. Friday was better, had lunch with a friend which made me happy. I don’t know, I probably am expecting more than is possible.
What I want is a nice neighbour with one or more young child who wants to be my friend and share tea and cake and share advice, help each other. I have these people in my life, but distance is the issue, I can’t seem to find one closer than 30 minutes away! Perhaps I need to put an advert in the paper?
Things are getting really exciting with the house. It looks like it will be ours this FRIDAY!!!! How cool is that? I can tell you. VERY COOL.
I am happy and excited but it sort of feels totally unreal at the moment. I am all messed up inside – stopped taking the pill and the hormone imbalance is killing me. I go from being so utterly empty inside when I just want to lay around staring into space, to freaking out and being so jittery that I cannot think straight. We went to London yesterday to see City Girl and Girlie Number 1 (who has settled in famously and has been brushing down Andy Serkis on film sets and other amazing stuff. She is such a name dropper now. But she seems very happy and that is brilliant) I was a mess the whole time I was there. People were talking to me and I couldn’t concentrate on what they were saying to me. It was like I was watching what was going on through a fog.
Friday night I was so emotional it scared me. I cried myself to sleep because of a silly thing at work and the fact that when I tried to call my Dad to wish him a happy birthday he had just left to go out to dinner. I felt like such a stupid failaure. Which was just insane. I just couldn’t stop the tears falling.
Paul is being as wonderful as ever through the whole thing. Well, he has had his moments, a few insensitive comments but he always apologises. I love the fact that we communicate so well. We both realise that neither of us is perfect and we are able to tell each other when we have said or done something insensitive. In the past I have always stored this sort of thing up and used it as ammunition later but we don’t have the blazing rows that I have always had in my old relationships. Oh, could I finally be growing up?
I just wish that these dark moods and unpredictable behaviour would clear and I could feel on top of things so I can enjoy every minute of this exciting and happy time. We are embarking in something new, the next part of my life and I just want to feel present, not like I am a step behind everyone else.
We will see. I know the cause of this and I know that it will pass but I wish it wasn’t in full swing now.