Taking stock

September 22, 2010

I love being here. This is home to me. The streets, the views, the people, the places. Sadly, this is not the place that I live. This is the place that I used to live. Coming home is hard, I see glimpses of the life that I think we could lead if we lived here, and I think it could be great.

Part of me feels I shouldn’t write this, that Mr C could read it and feel bad. But right now I feel that I have to. This time has felt different. Please do not misunderstand me. I like where I live, I like being close to his family, I like my job (at times) and I am happy with the routine we have found as a family. I am not sad, although I am a little lonely at times.

This week I feel envy and jealousy. I think about what we would have living here in Cornwall. I daydream about being close to my family, of finding our place in an existing community. I think about bringing children up with the freedom that I had as a child. I imagine days on the beach, sandy memories and salty swims. I wonder if my husband would be able to slow down, to relax and I think that this is the one place that could do that for him. I imagine Piran growing up with his cousins, automatic playmates. I would have my sister and sister in law and best friend around me who all have kids too. I would have my mum.

I am sure that this is a rose tinted view. If we were here I would get caught up with the inevitable family politics. Mr C would be leaving his family and friends and a job he has had for around 17 years. Who am I to swap my loneliness for his? We would not have the same money, the same opportunities. Life would be different that is for sure, but can I be sure it would be better?

All I know at the moment is that I am lucky that I get to come here, to have my taste of this life every few months. I have a house, a gorgeous child and a fantastic husband. I should be grateful and I am. I will be blue for a while when I get home and then life will just go on.

One thing I know, that as a Greek Philosopher once said, the only constant is change. This is our life right now, but everything changes so quickly all off the time, who knows where we will be this time next year or the year after. My dream may become a reality one day.

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