Yours Truly

The absence of silence

June 11, 2015

I’m struggling to put this into words but I really want to get it out. Last week, when we were away, my mind was silent. Although I didn’t realise it at the time. All we had to think about was where we were going to read our book, what we might have to drink, what time would we eat. Should I have a nap? (always yes) What do you call that shade of blue?

calm

Coming home the juxtaposition is so intense. Until my brain started up again I had no idea how noisy it is in here. I started to feel everything creeping back in the morning we left. It was like my brain was warming up, switching on and at first I could push it out of my mind and try enjoy the stillness of the last couple of hours.

By the time we were queuing to check in my mind was beginning to think faster, starting to make mental lists. When the plane landed my brain was back at nearly full speed and my fingers twitched to connect my phone back to the real world and start doing something.

I woke at 4am yesterday (we arrived home at 8pm the previous evening) and I could ignore everything no longer. My brain was whizzing and there was just so much to be done and I was starting to feel overwhelmed already because I was wasting time.

My brain feels like a washing machine. Thoughts and ideas and things to do flick through constantly. Fleeting glimpses before I am distracted my something else. Until recently this was just the norm but after a week of silence and stillness (apart from ramped up anxiety but that’s a story for another day) it feels so loud and intense and almost unbearable.

…only a day until I go away…what will I wear…weather forecast?…green dress yellow sandals – bright and happy but not as comfy as my denim dress…but that is a bit dull…it all comes down to shoes really…will it rain? The washing needs hanging out but there isn’t time before we leave for school…maybe if I’m really fast…no I cannot bear to be late…

…I need to blog…I’m not happy with the fact I’m rushing to do it though…oh god I’ve forgotten to plan anything for dinner…and I probably need to go shopping…but when? I only have a couple of free hours tomorrow…I need to finish my business cards…must Google how to make a scarecrow too…and find a witches hat…where will I get a red dragon from?…oh maybe we could make one and paint it…I’m going to have to sew the green bird too…

…must quilt that mini quilt…by the 19th…and what am I going to do for my #homesweethomemini? I need to do a sketch or something…where did I save the inspiration mosaic…I need to do some IG stuff for that too…after this weekend, I can get a plan together after this weekend…I need a new notebook…I should be writing lists…

…when am I going to sort out Kate’s school uniform…I wish I knew how she felt about going to school…will she be okay?…she needs a book bag too…and I need to make her a PE bag…that can wait though…blimey girls need so much stuff, socks and tights and summer dresses and normal dresses…

…what will we have for dinner tonight…oh we forgot to take anything out of the freezer…need to plan better so I can start slimming world again…maybe if I just stop drinking for a bit again…but it is summer…where is Kate?…what is Piran up to?…it is very quiet…oh I love the sun…do they have enough suntan lotion on…can I convince them to wear a hat?…

…must blog…need to schedule those guest posts…and comment on them…is it weird if I comment on my own blog?…I am hungry…must not eat chocolate…need to clear my inbox….next week maybe…have I done everything for work?…where did I put my business cards when they came…I need to embellish them if I have time…if I write a blog post do I have a picture to go with it…oh I wish I had some time to sew…maybe next week…what will we do for Piran’s school project…what will I wear this weekend?…when will I pack?…I need to write a pitch…

Is this just life? Is it the same for everyone? Is this just being a mum? Everything is just so full on all of the time. There is so much to do, think about and organise. And that is okay, but I need to find a way of capturing that stillness, finding some space. Actually when I think about it that is how I feel when I am sewing – completely focused on the task at hand and letting everything else fade away. Maybe mediatation would help? Mindfulness? (not that I know how to do either).

Any suggestions?

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4 Comments

  • Reply Emily June 11, 2015 at 7:49 pm

    Yes! That’s exactly how my head is, you’ve summed it up so well (apart from the school uniform stuff, because it’s the beginning of JUNE, you have 3 months!) I think that stillness of a holiday is really hard to get, but it doesn’t have to be meditation. Sewing is a great thing. I read a book once which was mainly about negative thoughts, but it translates to all of them. It basically said just stop thinking about stuff. When the thoughts come in, just push them out. Not as simple as it sounds, but I’m still trying.

  • Reply Caroljs June 11, 2015 at 10:21 pm

    I am exactly the same and felt the same after our holiday in October. My brain in always on the go.

  • Reply D June 16, 2015 at 1:35 am

    oh cripes, so it’s not just my head. The only way I can imagine it happening is to get organised so there are gaps in it all, and to try to have a way to capture some of the flitting but “not now” things (like Kate’s uniform, although we haven’t got them here, so perhaps it needs thinking of now)……but note I imagine it, and didn’t say “how I get that to happen is….|” because that would be telling fibs. Doesn’t help that I’m a bit short of long term and middle term goals just now, those sort of end up being things to aim for amidst all the fluttery detail stuff……Do let us know if you find a way!!!!

  • Reply katie June 19, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    that is all very familiar (although I’m not a mum!) and also the fact that holidays seem to be more than just a break from the norm, I too have had that noticeable building up of busyness as the holiday draws to a close (including online grocery shopping from the airport lounge) a sense of needing to take control again. best of luck with your endeavours to find some peace in the day to day.

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