This Life is the one that I had imagined. All my dreams come true. With a house, a husband and two amazing children.
This Life is a good life. With health and love and shelter and food. With laughter and people and beautiful places and things.
This Life is moments where I stand completely devoid of thought other than when will I sleep. No other thought possible. Brain function shut down by endless sleep deprivation and a sleep deficit that would take months to fulfill.
This Life is exhausting. Hard on my body, hard on my features. Full of new and old aches and pains. Daily reminders that I am not as young as I was, and I still have a long way to go.
This Life is full of small moments that make my heart sing. The sound of wildly exuberant uncontrollable giggles that only Piran can make Kate do. Those unexpected moments when small arms are thrown around you. The perfect cup of tea at the right time of day.
This Life is full of worry. High temperatures, of Piran and school, when he has something on his mind. Of how they will react to Mr C being away a lot. When will I be well enough to cope without tablets. Are we asking too much of family. How are my family so far away.
This Life is full of the things I love. My family, friends old and new. Stories and books and beautiful things made by inspiring people. Online friends that support me and inspire me. Loud happy music. Good food. Cups of tea. Cuddles in bed.
This Life is like being trapped in a Hamster Wheel. Or Groundhog Day. It is chores repeated over and over and over. It is monotonous. It is dull. It is three meals a day dished up and ignored. It is no one listening to a word I say.
This Life is keeping everyone together and organised. It is knowing who is where and what is happening every day. It is thinking about three other people before making any decision about myself. It is calendars and reminders and last-minute dashes so that no one gets forgotten.
This Life is inside and outside. It is the beach, the sea, the woods. It is places we love and things we love to do. It is sunlight and fresh air.
This Life is measured by good nights and bad nights. It is constant discussions about bedtime and sleep. Who will sleep where. It is trying to get everyone to sleep where they should night after night and getting little sleep myself. It is constant second guessing about the right thing to do and constant analysis.
This Life is that moment first thing when two small people climb in the bed between us and we cuddle and drink tea and juice. It is the four of us together in the place I always wanted to be. It is a dream made into reality.
This Life is no energy to do the things that I know could make my life better. Like eating better and exercising. Choosing the lazy option rather than the one that would improve everything.
This Life is fighting the urge to hide under my duvet, shrugging off all responsibility and just lie there, letting the lethargy win. Like walking against the flow of a river, each step a challenge, even the simplest things becoming mountains.
This Life is sudden bursts of energy. Of feeling capable and inspired and productive. Of doing more in two hours than I have in a week. Of getting on top of things. Feeling proud of what I have achieved.
This Life takes my breath away. When Piran says something so perceptive or Kate something so funny. Of seeing them suddenly as they are, growing up. Piran big and scoffing his dinner and chatting about his day. Kate using the computer and being independent all of a sudden.
This Life is total and utter chaos. It is piles of stuff everywhere. It is nothing ever put away all at once. It is a slalom of chairs and washing and toys and stuff to get to the computer. It is moving stuff around all of the time.
This Life is spent with my best friend. The one that since the first day we spent time together I have never wanted to leave. The one that I miss so much when we are apart.
This Life is never quite being able to relax. Of going to bed at night just waiting for the first wake up. Of sitting downstairs in the evening ever vigilant for a noise that tells us one or the other is awake. That we are never off duty.
This Life is creative and wonderful. It is full of fabric and sewing and the feeling that I have found something that I love to do. If I can’t do it I get withdrawal symptoms. It is ideas fizzing round and fingers itching to stroke fabrics and play with colours.
This Life is constantly and pointlessly trying to understand the enigma that is a child. That is two different children. It is trying to find the answer, the solution to everything when maybe the right course of action is to just accept we will never ever understand.
This Life is full of pride. For my husband and my children. My heart bursts with pride for Piran and Kate. It is also full of a quiet pride. Of what I can do if I want. Of what I have achieved. For the beautiful people that we made. For this body of mine that did amazing things. For my perseverance.
This Life is hard.
This Life is fulfilling.
This Life is mine.
This Life is Wonderful.