This morning I woke up with pains in my tummy and a more than familiar feeling in my chest of not being able to breathe fully. Like something is juts resting on my ribs. I know this only to well, the vague and constant unease, the inability to settle to anything. The beginning of a full blown anxiety attack.
It has been a while but that does not mean that it doesn’t scare me anymore. If anything it is the opposite.
I should have seen the signs really. The constant feeling that I am never up to date, never on top of everything. Putting unrealistic pressures upon myself even though rationally I know that I only had a baby eight weeks ago, that these first weeks have not been plain sailing and that we are all suffering for it and should all be good and kind to ourselves.
The worst part of this is the constant stream of worries and thoughts that run through my brain, stopping me from shutting down and sleeping while I can. I crave routine like a junkie craves their next fix and we just haven’t got there yet and it is literally sending me crazy.
Today I have to take Piran to nursery for 11.15 and stay with him until 1pm while he does his sponsored ‘Toddle’ around the garden and has a picnic. Obviously I have to take Kate with me. I was on tenderhooks all night to see what time she would wake, when she would feed. Then mentally counting forward the hour until the time we have to be out. Millions of things going through my head, calculations and questions…
… so if she eats at 5 the next will be 8 then 11 but sometimes she will go 4 hours between one of those so maybe 12 but i will still be at nursery then so I am going to have to feed her while we are there which I just really do not want to do because we will be outside in the garden and I might not be able to find somewhere to sit and I don’t think that I will be allowed to go inside as I have to be with Piran all the time as he is not meant to be at nursery at that time so they will not have the staff required to look after another person and what if she cries and cries and is fussy and it takes an hour to feed her. So if I can get her to feed at 10 then she will not need another until I am back from nursery but that means I have to feed her at 7 which is only 2 hours after this feed and she will be fussy and fed up if I try to feed her like I am trying to fatten her up. And we haven’t done Piran’s dinner and when will Piran sleep because I need him to have a nap and we have to go out at nap time so should I try and get him to nap before we leave or shall I just not bother. What if we leave early and drive around he can sleep in the car but that is no good because then I wouldn’t be feeding Kate at 10 which I really need to do…..”
…and on and on and on until I am so wound up and anxious that I cannot think straight.
Thankfully it was an early start around here so Mr C helped out and did some jobs, and looked after small people while I did some jobs so that everything is ready for my Dad’s visit this weekend and I feel much better.
In the end Kate wanted milk at 7 and I will feed her again now. Piran happily went for a nap at 9 because he was up early. I wrote this post to make me feel a bit better. Not sure if it worked yet. Is it any wonder I am exhausted by tea time?