March 18, 2016

Today I am so far inside my head that I am driving myself crazy. I am second guessing everything. I am on edge. I am paranoid. I am unable to focus.

Today is World Sleep Day. What a fucking joke.

Today I am sleep deprived, still ill and I feel like every second word needs to be a swear word. It could be the only thing that gets me through.

Today I wept as I left a crying kicking screaming Piran at school. This was just after I handed Kate over to a TA – she was wearing a Christmas jumper (not on the agreed uniform list, strangely enough) and yellow plastic star glasses that she insists she has to wear at all times or she cannot see. Kate that is, not the TA. I barely even said goodbye.

Today I feel like hell.

Today follows last night – where Kate decided that she can no longer sleep in a bed that has steps. So she slept in our bed on Mr C’s side, and Mr C slept on my side, which he didn’t like and ruined his sleep. Piran slept on the floor of his room on a mattress and I slept in his bed. Which is the most uncomfortable bed in the house. And I was so cold that I couldn’t sleep until I had encased myself in 2 duvets and two quilts and went to sleep listing the things that I HATE ABOUT CHILDREN AND SLEEP*. Piran also banged his head on a cupboard in the middle of the night and kept me up with his slightly maniacal sleep laughing.

Today I am in a very bad mood.

Today follows this week, one that started with Mr C sick in bed all day Monday and then me all day Tuesday and Wednesday. I still feel so ill that my legs don’t really want to hold me up. This too makes me really bloody cross. I have no energy. When I do something I get out of breath. Then I have to sit down and really nothing is getting done.

Today feels like the bottom of the slope again. All of the bedtime progress, all of the traction we had gained over the last two weeks is just gone again. Piran didn’t go to sleep until 10.30 again last night and the tricky behaviours are coming back. Illness means no energy, no energy means no routine, no routine means ARMAGEDDON*.

Today I feel completely hopeless.

Today is the end of the week, next week there are 3 days at school and then the holidays. 2 weeks in which we are away which will completely bugger up any kind of bedtime routine so maybe I should just give up all together.

Today the children have friends over after school and with those friends come their mums who are my friends. Who will say nice encouraging things and drink wine with me. And so perhaps, today will get better as it goes along.

Yesterday, the Hellebores looked stunning in the late afternoon sun.

Yesterday, the Hellebores looked stunning in the late afternoon sun.

*Today makes me prone to exaggeration.


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  • Reply Jane March 18, 2016 at 2:37 pm

    I hope today gets better (and dear heavens at least not any worse). I have no wise words – my youngest is 9 and has spent most of the last 3 1/2 yrs not going to sleep when he should! Hope your friends help you find a smile (and that the kids are so tired that they just conk out and sleep for at least 12 hours)

  • Reply PhotoPuddle March 18, 2016 at 3:39 pm

    Oh Hun, I hope your day ends better than it started. And you have some nice wine xxxx

  • Reply Archie The Wonder Dog March 18, 2016 at 6:28 pm

    I hope the day has got better as it’s gone on and that you lose that lurgy soon. I also hope that the Easter holidays provide you all with some rest and a chance to regroup. Take care xxx

  • Reply Lou March 20, 2016 at 9:22 pm

    Mwah! Sending you hugs n kisses, from one who has also spent a lot of a time in bed recently xxx

  • Reply Neame April 28, 2016 at 1:56 pm

    You have made poetry out of your life – even the wretched bits. This post is lovely for the rhythm and the openness. Your previous post was also poetry for the wonderful contrast between anxiety and glee. Really. Quite affecting to me. Thank you. So. TODAY (yes, i know – weeks later) you have so successfully put it all down, written it out, explained it, named it, and dusted and done it.

    I hope by now you are feeling better. I look forward to seeing as much of your making, creating, doing, and explaining you wish to share. I send virtual hugs your way. XXXXXX


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