Upside down and inside out

August 1, 2005

Well I have literally just got back to the flat from Cornwall and my life is offically upside down and inside out. The reason – Jon and I have split up. Normally this would be ok but there is so many more people involved. It was an absolute bloody nightmare telling everyone that we were together in the first place which caused enough trouble. Now I have to go and tell them all that they were right and we were wrong. I think that this is bothering me more because it was all my fault that we broke up – I am the one that did it and I am the one with the problem. Added to that guilt is the fact that for my birthday three days ago he bought me a massive 5 man tent which must have cost loads and then I dump him the day after. Am I the worlds meanest person?

Truthfully though he knew that something was wrong anyway. I had just decided that I would see how this weekend went and then I would talk to him about all of this. But we were laying in bed on Saturday night and I was drifting off to sleep and he just asked me if I was asleep and then said that he felt like he was losing me.

Basically it just went on from there. So I told him exactly how I have been feeling. That I hate the person I have become around him. That I have been treating him like shit without hardly knowing it. That he deserves so much more. That I was more in love with the idea of loving him that I was actually in love with him. That there was no spark there and without that we were doomed to failure. That we had stopped laughing and before we were together we used to laugh all the time. If the fun is gone there is no point. So to recap – no fun, no laughter, no spark. No relationship.

I feel so bad for him and he is being so lovely to me. He just sent me the nicest text. Saying that he was sad but he would cope and that if anyone tries to blame me and bitch or slag me off he will stick up for me. That he understands that if I didn’t feel that way then I couldn’t force it.

God this is so awful. Feel like crap and Girlie Number 1 is due home at any minute. I have to tell her but I am completely scared about how she is going to react.

Jon also said that he doesn’t give a toss about the tent or the money that it cost and that I should keep it as a reminder of all the good times we had.

Why do I do it to myself?

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