Those that follow me on Twitter will not have been able to miss the fact that I am ill again. I am surprised I haven’t lost most of my followers with my constant moaning. I am bored of it myself that is for sure.
I don’t know what is wrong. I guess it is either a reaction to last week’s swine flu jab or some kind of virus. In the afternoon on Tuesday I felt really cold and shivery, but as the baby sitters were booked I had a very long hot shower and got dressed (and tweeted that I looked like a pregnant lobster) and off we went for dinner. We were back just over an hour later after me being unable to eat my meal and developing a temperature. I have spent since 8.30 Tuesday night in bed. The temperature came and went. I have no appetite, I feel queasy on occasions but mostly I am tired. Bone achingly tired. Unable to lift my head from the pillow tired. Takes two hours to get upright and to the bath tired.
It scares me. I’ve struggled to eat but I know that I have to for the baby. Who seems perfectly fine, dancing and bouncing and making my stomach move constantly. Which is lovely, but doesn’t feel great when you have an upset stomach.
Piran has spent three days and one night away from home because I have been unable to look after him. I hate it. I feel like a failure. I know how ridiculous that is but it doesn’t make the guilt go away. I keep thinking to myself that this is all in my head, that I am just being lazy. That if I got up and starting doing something then I would realise that there isn’t really anything wrong. Then I have a shower and have to go and lie down afterward! All this time on my own, not doing anything is not good for me. I have started to panic about how I will manage to look after Piran as I get bigger and bigger. I am only six months pregnant, we have three long months left. What will happen if I am ill after the baby comes? How will I cope. I think I am being pathetic and useless and I make myself get up and try and get something done. Then I go back and lie down! It is not in my mind, and no amount of giving myself a talking to is going to get me up on my feet this week.
Oh I don’t know why I am writing all this down. It doesn’t make any sense anyway. I am ill, I should just shut up and deal with it and save all of my energy for getting better instead of getting myself worked up about things that I just cannot control. I think the whole thing has just got all caught up with the understandable anxieties of having a second baby. I am sure that when I am stronger and better equipped to examine how I am feeling I will be back to blog about that too.
Here’s to a restful, family weekend. And a lot of cuddles from Piran, I have missed those this week.